I have a love hate relationship with the pick up artist community.
On one hand, I don’t really hang out with most of the members in it. I also don’t identify myself as a pick up artist. However, every now and then, there’s a rare one or two guys that catches my eye that I’m willing to hit the clubs and make a long term connection with.
Recently, I started hanging out with this one guy, who takes the classic pick up artist approach towards dating. I admired his work ethic. He’s also a technician when it comes to mastering the social arts. Whilst I’ve moved past my technical days and rely on habits I instilled throughout my earlier twenties, I saw the advantage of being someone around taking a technical approach towards dating.
Since, I’m my worst own enemies these days. I like being around someone who’s pushing themselves, it reminds me to keep myself in check.
Unfortunately, I’m sad to report that I’m mostly unsuccessful in persuading the majority of the members in the PUA community to see my point of view. Hence, there’s always a incompatibility of values when it comes to forming a genuine relationship with these guys. Don’t get me wrong, I am open to new friendships. I’ve traveled half the world by myself, I do enjoy making new connections.
The Un-Informed: Self Esteem Issues
You get an interesting mix of character around the community. You get the first timers who are interested in the idea of getting their dating lives handled through the notion of ‘game’. You also get the seasoned pick up artist who has gone out on many nights and and his bread and butter involves PUA techniques.
Look, I started off by reading and using pick up theory as well. I understand the ideas of disqualification, negging, qualification and etc. I get it. I’ve been there.
However, at the end of the day, you’re merely putting on another identity. You’re perceiving social interactions as something to be manipulated and something that to be controlled.
These strategies may work in the short run, especially on girls who allow themselves to be manipulated. They often have poor boundaries and self esteem and find themselves chasing after someone who treats them with manipulative behavior. This often ends up in a chaser, chasee relationship, which is filled with drama.
You’re also merely enforcing the ideas that friendship, relationship with girls, sex is something you have to ‘game’ or ‘earn’ yourself into. That you aren’t fundamentally enough as a person to have sex with her or for her to be with you. Like someone? Disqualify yourself. Someone disagrees with you? Simply punish him or her with negative behaviour.
You’re still putting pussy on a pedestal. The fact that you need to disqualify and neg her merely shows that you’re insecure of your own value as a person. Whilst these might work in the short run, by stirring up insecurities in your relationships, you’re just constantly reminding yourself that: you suck, and you aren’t enough. You’ll also never feel secure, trusted and safe in a relationship.
It’s rare that I find someone who put’s in the hard work and introspection to get his inner emotional realities right.
This means: learn how to express himself honestly, with fucking integrity. Someone who has other facets of his life going for him as well. This includes dressing well, hitting the gym, having passions and hobbies other than worrying about the next ‘neg’ or line.
Safety and Security
I wrote in a recent post that you’re never going to really improve your life circumstances if you don’t have safe relationships in your life you can rely upon.
When you mix a bunch of pick up artists (who suck at relationships) who sees you as an object, a ‘wing’ to go out with and not a real fucking human being, you’re highly likely going to end up in toxic and unsafe friendships.
I can’t count the number of stupid stories I’ve heard from the guys in the community. It can go from idiots running their mouth in group chats to one guy stealing another guy’s girl. Weren’t these people supposed to have an ‘abundant’ mindset?
You’re never going to understand genuine friendship and authentic relationship. Ironically, something that you probably got into the community to seek out in the first place.
The Detox Process
Okay, assuming you’re convinced and want a detox from all that toxic shit the PUA community entails, here are some basic steps you can take to detoxify yourself from all mess from the pick up community.
- Go read up on the psychological researched guide on why you’re fucked if you continue down this route
- Understand what are fucking values
- Understand what are relationship boundaries
- Understand the dynamics of the chaser and chasee in relationships
Hopefully, by now, you’ll get why intentionally pushing, pulling, qualifying and disqualifying as a strategy will leave you feel empty and numbed at the end of the day.
The 3 Mindsets That Should Go Out of the Fucking Window
Okay, I’m also going to address some specific threads I see popping out ‘on the ground’.
- ‘I’m Going to Game Her’
Where are you coming from when you want to get good with women? Are you coming from a place of inferiority or a place or security?
The fact that you need to ‘demonstrate higher value’ or ‘neg her’ just means you see your as someone who is inferior to her. Someone with true confidence doesn’t need to go about demonstrating higher value or actively look for derogatory insults to bring her ‘value’ down.
The largest difference I see between my philosophy towards getting good with girls and the majority of the pick up artist community is the position where he coming from. I come from a position of security, and the rest of the guys come from a position of insecurity. Remember, the fact that you need techniques and lines, subtley demonstrates that you’re inferior. The fact that you need to demonstrate yourself as someone superior, subtley demonstrates you’re inferior.
Your actions and intentions will bleed through. Trust me on that.
- ‘You Need to Isolate Her’
I always hear pick up guys saying: ‘You got to isolate and distract their friends whilst being in the nightclub.’
I don’t agree with this. Firstly, on a technical level, your intentions will bleed through and the girls your approach may get defensive. Secondly, if you’re in Asian culture, she’s going to get worried about her friends (and her friends are going get worried about her) when she gets separated from her.
So both ways, you’re fucked. Stop looking at socializing as something you’re waging war against.
- ‘You Can’t Go Direct. Direct Game only Works if You’re Tall and Good Looking.’
That’s utter rubbish. You can express yourself honesty and authentically regardless of looks or height. In fact, you might even come off as more polarizing if you’re not exactly that good looking or tall, and you’re willing to be completely authentic and honest with her.
I also get some feedback that I’m considered ‘good looking’, hence it might be my good looks that helps me with my ‘game’.
Just to give you some insight, my first year in ‘game’ was spent dolling myself up with nice looking clothes, hitting the gym, and ‘looking good’. I still didn’t get laid.
In fact, I’d argue that good looks may even work against you. Girls may call you out for being a player and she’s going to project all sort of stereotypes onto you.
- Not Happy with Someone? ‘Punish’ Him or Her by Withdrawing Attention
If you’re unhappy with someone, you should express yourself and openly confront about it with him or her. You shouldn’t ‘punish’ bad behaviour through passive aggressive means. If you aren’t able to draw clear boundaries in your relationships and you need ‘game’ to get your point across, it’s ultimately needy behavior.
Your’re Digging Your Own Grave
When I’m out, I want to be social, and I want to have fun. I can’t do it when I’m feeling on the edge with you pick up weirdos. I’m also not interested in guessing your intentions, hiding behind smoke and games with you.
Hence, I refuse to hang out with people who are constantly treating social interactions and relationships as a game. I don’t care how good your ‘game’ is. I refuse to be some fucking object that you think you can push or pull about. Firstly, I see through it. Secondly, go use that shit on some random club girl who lacks the self esteem.
Just so you know, I also refuse to serve clients or coaching students who believe in these ideologies.
I can’t stress this enough, but you’re going to end up like the person you hang around with the most. His or her beliefs and worldviews are going to have a huge influence on you. This is heavily researched in psychology as well.
So, do you want to constantly be around some pick up artist fraud who not only sees women as objects, but also sees all of his relationships (including you) as something that can be ‘gamed’? Or do you want to be around with friends who appreciates and respects you as a fucking human being. For all your strengths, flaws and weaknesses.
I know there are idiots who prefer the former, cause deep down, that’s their worldview of relationships. They don’t relationships as something that can be safe and supportive. They see relationships as something to be earned, bargained or traded. They may believe deep down they deserve to be disrespected or unvalued as a person, and only then, they’ll be accepted or loved.
You dig your own grave. Your fucking choice.