How to pick up girls?
Countless of us walk the streets and have hundreds of girls and women who fit our physical criteria for a dating partner walk us by. Yet, we do nothing, day after day, months after months, and some for some of us: even years.
Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be able to be able to go up to girls that you completely do not know and create an opportunity to get know them?
The whole picking up girls in any given social situation was borne out of the pick up artist community that started about a decade ago. The pick up industry was born in the western culture.
I started off as a Singapore pick up artist reading the book ‘The Game’ by Neil Strauss. Having a degree of control over one’s dating and social life was all I needed to get me going reeling off a horrible break-up months ago. I researched tons of material on how to pick up girls. However, I quickly realized that the westernized methods used in The Game would get me nowhere and a few weird stares if I ever tried it in Singapore.
How to Pick Up Girls – How to Get Over that Approach Anxiety?
Is there an intellectual construct for how to approach a girl in any social situation? The answer varies, but the underlying principles are similar.
- Progressive Desensitisation
When starting out in this area of your life, you’ll have to allocate time and effort to do daytime approaches. From experience, it doesn’t happen naturally. You got to decide to cut out time and effort into this aspect.
Progressive desensitization is a psychological concept that is used to help people overcome their anxieties in a progressive manner rather than just going straight up to the desired action itself. The flooding technique where most dating coaches or instructors force students to approach 20 girls in one night isn’t sustainable. You’re not building a sustainable habit.
Step 1: Ask For Time and Directions from Strangers
You can start off with total strangers, and then work your way up to girls, and then attractive girls. You get the idea.
Step 3: Remove Headphones in Public and Being more Socially Connected
Firstly, it is removing headphones. So just recently, I removed my headphones and was shocked at how much difference it made in my life. You should try it. Remove the headphones. This forces you to be much more socially engaged with the outside world.
Step 2: Making Small Observations and Compliments
This social exercise can be added on to asking for time and directions from strangers. Adding a “that’s a nice shoe, you look great in it” compliment to random strangers will not only make their day, but it’ll put you in a better social mood when you get positive reactions from strangers.
- Lowering Your Expectations
Expect your 80% of your approaches to go nowhere. It’s just the name of the game. Forward thinkers in this area all around the world mention that 80% of their interactions go nowhere. This is because there are just too many external circumstances that cannot be controlled. Eg. She has a boyfriend, the last guy that approaches her on the streets freaked her out etc.
- The Minimum Viable Action
One tool I find helpful when I find myself stuck when approaching is the minimum viable action. It’s the one action that you can take other than the direct approach itself.
Normally, this would be asking for time and directions. This not only gets me comfortable stopping attractive girls to ask for time, this also gets me in a more social mood. You’ll be surprised how much just stopping strangers to ask for time and directions will help in getting the social juices flowing.
The minimum viable action can be performed on a daily basis.
- Creating an Environment of Inevitable Success
What’s holding you back? Delete all online dating applications. Delete Tinder, Snapchat, Instagram and block off all the pornography. You’ll have to create an inevitable environment of success.
Our Excuses: Defense Mechanisms
When you’re going against your fears and insecurities, you’re bound to find yourself fighting against your own psychological defense system. Here’s a good social experiment to try out: go out into public, preferably alone, and watch all the kinds of stories you tell yourself when you come across a beautiful stranger.
- Avoidance/ Procrastination
There’s no perfect night, there’s no perfect mood, that’s the truth. Just because something feels wrong in this moment, does not mean that it would feel wrong when you actually get your butt off and out and socializing. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve felt horrible and not wanting to get out of the house and then feeling much better after stepping out.
“I will approach tomorrow.”
“I will go out tomorrow.”
“I will hit the clubs tomorrow.”
“I will start being social tomorrow.”
“I don’t feel like it today.”
There was once I was at the mall, the tons excuses and defenses came in, first I told myself I was tired and had to grab a meal first, then a sweet drink and yada yada. I didn’t do any approaches for the first half an hour. I spent the time, eating, drinking and waiting around. This was when I started paying attention to the monolog in my head and started noticing the thoughts that popped out that convinced me not to approach.
- Helplessness and Surrender
I found myself running into this defense mechanism more than the rest. I get too anxious and then I surrender to the anxiety and just admit that: I suck and have no courage.
This is the opposite of apathy.
Caring too much and acknowledging that you’re powerless to taking action against the anxiety.
The self-help, dating advice industry is notorious for this. This is where you end up reading pick up advice and watching videos without taking any action. Thinking that just reading and watching videos will somehow magically help. I used to do this a lot when I first start out where I would just read, read and read some more. Overloading myself with one theory after another.
‘I don’t give a fuck’.
This was a story I played countless times in my head. I actually convinced myself that I don’t care about my relationships and my dating life. It’s a story I go back to sometimes, even up till today.
Truth is, I do care about my relationships and friendships.
If you’re watching porn and telling yourself that you don’t give a fuck about your dating life, you’re running into this defense mechanism. I know for sure, I was there. This bled over to my school, life and all other areas in my life. It’s something I’ve had to fight against for the last 3-4 years of my life.
- Blame/ Anger
This defense mechanism mostly comes in the form of generalizing and stereotyping chunks of the human population. When I first started out the journey in self-improvement I told myself that pick up artist theory thing only worked for Westernized cultures. That it’ll never work for Singaporean girls. They are too bitchy, retarded, fucked up and emotionally immature.
‘Singaporean girls are too material, fuck them’.
‘Singaporean girls only like good looking guys, and I am not good looking, fuck them all’.
‘White girls do not like Asian men.’
Here’s the truth: we always think that the world is screwed up, and it is not our fault, this, of course, is not true.
Direct or Indirect?
There’s a debate in the pick up artist community of whether to go direct or indirect?
I personally am a huge fan of going direct, however, I noticed that the majority of the guys here go indirect. They’ll approach with a ‘social opener’, something along the lines of asking a question or getting an opinion, and then transit to flirting with a girl.
There are upsides and downsides to both approaches.
Approaching with a direct approach shows huge sexual intent that you’re interested in the girl. You have to back it up by being congruent. This means escalating on her physically and putting yourself out there to polarize the interaction.
Touching her and even going for the kiss within the first 10 minutes of the interaction can tell you if she’s sexually attracted to you. If it’s a fuck yes, then you’ll know if you can commit to her throughout the night, if not, you can get her number and follow up later at night or another day.
If you’re going to approach her directly, you’re expected to lead and initiate 100% of the time. And I mean 100%. I’ve lost tens of interactions because I approached her in a direct style, and then I played it chill and laidback. It’s incongruent to the girl and she’ll be wondering what’s up? You just approached her saying she’s cute and you’re playing in chill?
That’s the downsides of direct approaches.
However, as a Singapore dating coach, I recommend guys to get comfortable with going direct. Going direct puts you out there, and let your intentions get known. It’s also a time effective method. Since girls desire to be desired, approaching direct can work for you. It’s also telling the girl: hey, I’m not playing games here, I’m officially invested in the prospect of getting to know you better.
How to Pick Up Girls – The Direct Approach
- The Right Intentions
Approaching a girl on the streets is something that’s out of the norm, and hence, should be recognized as out of the norm.
I usually start off by saying “I know this is random”. Followed by: “I think you’re really cute, and just wanted to say Hi”.
Girls are more intuitive creatures than the male gender. They usually hear your intentions out loud whether you’re using a funny pick up line, or you’re trying to pick her up while talking about the weather. This is why you should only approach a girl, only for your desire for her, and not for any other reasons.
The motivation behind the behavior is equally as important as the behavior itself.
She can mostly tell if you approach her for any other reasons than being attracted to her. You should not approach girls to impress your friends, for ‘practice’, for numbers etc. I have approached girls that I am not genuinely attracted to, for ego reasons, to impress my friends, and it usually doesn’t work out.
- Looking Like a Friendly Stranger: Body Language and Fashion
Getting your daily appearance right will go to help a lot. Basically, you want to be dressed well. You’ll need minimally a fitting t-shirt, jeans, and shoes. You’ll also need to be well shaved, hair is taken care of and look clean. I’m surprised how many men don’t invest a tiny bit into their daily appearance.
I’m usually casually dressed in jeans, a fitting T-Shirt, and shoes.
Dressing well should be something you are proud of, and part of your identity, and not something to be done only when you’re going out to meet women.
- Lead 99% of The Time
She’s not going to lead the conversation or add to the conversation. That’s because you’re approaching her in an unconventional manner and she’s going to be quite shy and reserved about it. This is where conversation mindsets and strategies come in.
You’re going have to make statements, ask questions, tease her, and laugh at yourself to put her at ease. You’re going to have to communicate to her within that 10 minutes that you’re an easy going individual that’s socially intelligent as well.
How to Pick Up Girls in Singapore – Our Cultural Nuances
It’s not uncommon for people to lament that Singaporean girls cannot be picked up. In the beginning, I myself have bitched and lamented that it’s near impossible. However, it can be done, with the right intentions, and the right conversational mindsets.
- Respecting Her Space
Try not to stand too close to the girl, Singaporean girls are on the majority shy and reserved. Be willing to back off if the girl doesn’t want to interact or talk to you. Don’t touch her, use body language and hand signals to stop her.
The Singaporean culture is, after all, is a conservative one, and strangers are not used to being touched.
- 99% You and 1% Her
Singaporean girls are hard to pick up. That’s a fact. Especially in broad daylight. You’re going to have to be empathetic and match her body language and micro calibrates along the way. If she’s shy, back off, and tone down your voice, and smile more.
I rarely creep girls out. Most girls I approach are willing to listen to me at least for 30 seconds where I deliver my ‘opener’. That’s a good thing.
One friend of mine said that I was being too supplicating and people pleasing in my interactions. He’s right to a certain extent. If you’re judging yourself by the smoothness of your social interaction, you probably will fuck it up by being too supplicating and people pleasing.
However, I argued that because of the nature of Singapore society, you want it to be as smooth as possible. You got to put in the 100% work in order for it work out. It’s mentioned in various pick up theories that it’s 99% you and 1% her. You can’t approach her and stand back, chill and expect her to response. You got to lead the conversation. It’s always on you as a man to push things forward.
- Ask Her Out on the Spot
I usually only go direct in daytime situations. That can be quite confrontational in Singapore or an Asian society, however, it’s congruent to me. Going direct means that I want to see her again for a date. So I figured it’s much more authentic and more real to ask her out for coffee right then and there, if I have a good interaction, and can see if she’s interested in me.
If not, her number is fine.
Some girls are bent on giving their Facebook, Instagram or Snapchat. I generally don’t buy that. That just means they’re politely rejecting you.
How to Pick Up Girls – Is being a Pick Up Artist All to It?
- It’s a Numbers Game
Picking up girls is ultimately a numbers game, and at the same time is not a pure numbers game. Having approach anxiety down is going to help you get a lot of numbers. I realized this just from approaching 8-10 girls in a period of two hours. Some of them turn me down without even looking at me in the eye, some of them stayed for 5 minutes, and some of them gave me a positive response.
However, having good body language, being expressive and charismatic is going to help you convert many of those numbers into dates and girlfriends.
- You Got to Solve Your Own Emotional Issues
I was confiding in my wingmen that I had personal emotional issues going on in my life. Lots of issues that I had avoided through my teens and early twenties started popping out. This includes relationship with friends and parents, academics, and general life purpose.
I’m going to have to fix this with my therapist.
I was also feeling too stressed out from school. I put too much pressure on myself to achieve in school, running this blog, and running my side business projects. Whenever I am out, I’m always stressed out over work or school, and it affects my dating results. Perhaps I’m too hard on myself.
- You Got to Get Other Parts of Your Life Handled as Well
There’s a limitation on what pick up can bring into your life. The other fundamentals are going to help so much more for your life. Supportive friends that don’t upset you, a stable job, hobbies and passions going on and general emotional stability. There was a point where all my friends that I hung out with were from the pick up artist community. These guys suck at relationships to being with (including me) of course they’re going to be upsetting each other. That’s a bias to take note of.
- Magic Tricks and Pick Up Lines
Do pick up lines, magic tricks, card tricks and etc. work? Understanding how to pick up girls is more of emotional that intellectual. It just doesn’t work that way. Even if you memorized lines, you’ll come off as incongruent, inauthentic and just fake overall. She can tell, they always do.
To Get Good: The Subtle art of Not Giving a Fuck
Going up to a girl and saying you find her cute is quite a ballsy move. It is out of the social norm (and should be recognized as that). Doing it in front of your friends and family might get you weird stares. There’s a certain level of fucks you got to not give if you were to get good at this.
“True confidence is being less invested in the opinions of what others perceive if you than what you perceive of yourself”
Next time you see that girl walk past you. Are you going to take that chance? Or are you going to give a fuck about what she thinks, or what society thinks of you?