How to deal with rejection? It sucks. But yet, it happens, and it’s necessary.
My Story about Rejection
I saw this cute Chinese girl in the club, in a black top. She had a pretty face and silky hair. This was my chance, fuck it, I went for it. I cut through the crowd and tapped on her shoulders. With a smile, I said: “Hi, I’m Marcus.” I shook her hand and proceeded to ask her banal questions. I got to know that she was an 18-year-old Indonesian Chinese student studying in Singapore.
She seemed okay around with my presence.
Her body language was neutral, not really pushing me away or advancing towards me. I started escalating physically with her. I went closer to her and had a more banal conversation. I touched her elbows subtlety. It’s a nice feeling. It’s common for pick up artists to introduce the ballerina spin at this point of the conversation. It’s not me, and I then moved on to hold her by her hips. It was a ballsy move.
Still, neutral body language.
I dragged her into a closer into me for body contact but for some reason, she kept looking away. She looked tense and shy and avoided eye contact with me the whole time. I intuitively felt she wasn’t ready to be kissed for some reason. But I continued dancing and grinding her.
One of her friends dragged her away to the toilet minutes later and she followed. I stood there confused. Was she interested? Or was she not interested?
I saw her around the bar area later, and I decided to pull the trigger one more time. I went up to her, asked for her number. She politely told me she had a boyfriend.
How to Deal with Rejection?
They say dating is a numbers game. That’s true to a large extent. The truth is that most of the women you meet aren’t going to be available to you emotionally or sexually at a certain point of time. That could be the cause of various reasons. To sum it up, there are two concepts that can help you understand how to deal with rejection.
Sometimes, we get rejected harshly not because we did something creepy or obnoxious, it’s because of we of the difference in values, and beliefs. It’s because of friction. Friction occurs when there’s a difference of values with the girl or person you’re interacting with. Friction is the external circumstances or value differences that prevent her from acting on that attraction or being interested in you.
Friction is also a perfect example of the limitations of attraction and how most women at any given time won’t be available to you no matter what you do or say, or how attracted she is to you at that point in time.
External circumstances can range from boyfriends, the number of days you or she are left with in the city, her cat dying, her friend’s opinions on how you look like her ex boyfriend that cheated on her. Basically, shit that you can’t control.
This is when you approach a girl who looks at your longingly and deep into your eyes but holds back giving you her number. She probably has a boyfriend or a husband. This is an external circumstance that holds you back.
This is also when you meet a girl who you have tons of emotional chemistry with, however, she’s snorts cocaine on the weekend whilst you go to church with your mother. There’s an obvious lifestyle incompatibility. There’s also an incompatibility with values.
A conservative girl that goes to church every Sunday with her Mum is going to think I’m a huge creep for hitting on her sexually on our first date. She staunchly believes in sex after marriage, and you believe that sex should happen before a relationship. Values can be negotiated, however, strong values are hard to be compromised. You might see past her cocaine-snorting flaws for her looks.
You might be able to persuade some girls to your cause about how sex is just sex, and sex shouldn’t be the metric of when or why someone should get into a relationship, but there’s a lot of people other that value things differently.
Everyone has different personalities, values, beliefs and comfort levels of novelty, sex and etc.
There’s nothing you can do when a girl has opposite values and beliefs as you do. There’s nothing I can do when I’m out with a virgin that has sworn off sex till marriage. It’s not about ‘game’ anymore, it’s not about ‘persuasion’ anymore. No dating coach in the world can help you, no expert, line or ‘frame’ can help you.
It’s not any bodies fault. It just is.
This can be observed quite a bit the Singapore culture, where’s there’s an enmeshment of different subcultures and values. This is due to a multi culture society, with different religions co-existing together.
Projection happens when you meet women who for personal reasons, are afraid of their own sexuality and/or openly sexual men. They harbor trust issues and resentment with male sexuality. This is usually because they might have a history of some sort of emotional/ sexual abuse or they’ve had a string of disappointments or anger with men growing up or with former boyfriends.
When these women are faced with a confident, non-needy man, these women will usually react in untrusting manners and last ours in response. They aren’t lashing out for a lack fo attraction, but because they are attracted and that strong sexual attract scares them. Their view of male sexuality is negative, and when confronted when with a genuine attractive man, they’ll often attack you and try to tear you down.
Think of it as the female version of the men who hates on female sexuality with statements: all girls are cheaters, all girls are sluts and etc. They’ll accuse you of being demanding, sexist, overbearing, horny, untrustworthy and etc. These accusations usually have little to no connection to reality, and a confident man will either walk away from a girl or simply ignore her accusations.
The more non-needy and vulnerable you make yourself, the more projection response you’ll invite from people in general. The only men willing to put up with such behaviors are the Mr. Nice Guy types. He spends all his time attempting to fix and placate those problems the girl projects onto him.
If the man doesn’t have true confidence, hell last our right back at the woman and they’ll engage in a cycle of petty, unimportant drama, playing out emotions and projecting their histories of pain and over each other. Do read up on attachment theory and how the chaser, chased dynamic works. Until on them becomes conscious enough to break the cycle and move on. Some times this happens quickly, other times it takes months or years. These relationships are often codependent and are toxic.
The truth is that is majority of the women you pick up/ approach/ meet/ ‘game’ is going to have a high degree of friction or projection when you meet them. This to be expected, and I merely see it as a simple incompatibility. No matter how much ‘game’ you think you have, or how you change your behavior, a good portion of women you meet isn’t going to be interested or available at that point of time.
Hence, it’s always recommended to express your desires to her in the shortest time possible.In a nightclub situation, polarizing girls within minutes into the interaction will invite a lot of rejection. However, saves you hours of spending a girl who’s merely lukewarm interested in you, or in my case, has a boyfriend. Our job is to get to the point where she either rejects us or love us, in the shortest time possible.
There’s a common thread amongst authorities in the dating advice industry. They all state that rejection is a good thing. The man who gets rejected the most often gets to most results as well. This doesn’t happen by chance.
However, dealing with rejection is what cripples most of the men out there. Marketing material in the dating advice industry often sells you the idea that there’s a foolproof to get around dealing with rejection. That there’s just this perfect line or technique that you can use to avoid rejection. Unfortunately, reality often pans out otherwise.
There’s a better way to look at it. Instead of asking how can I avoid rejection, the better question to ask is how can I deal with this rejection?
Your Values and Boundaries
High self-esteem people don’t enjoy spending time with people who don’t enjoy spending time with them. I don’t enjoy spending time with people who don’t enjoy spending time with me. It’s as simple as that.
Defining our values and boundaries make rejection much easier as well. If you’ve made a value of not going out with someone who doesn’t value your time, then the girls or people that reject you becomes immediately incompatible. If you’ve drawn the line of not hanging out with people who don’t value you as a person, then you’ll no longer need to play the chasing game.
- I don’t hang out with people who don’t want to hang out with me
- I don’t hang out with people who don’t value my time
- I don’t go out with girls that are not attracted to me
- I don’t go out with girls who are not invested in the interaction
Making simple values and sticking is going to make rejection much easier.
You’ll stop pursuing people for so-so reasons, and for ego reasons. Mark Manson wrote about the rule of Fuck No Or Fuck Yes. If it’s not a fuck yes for her, then it’s probably a fuck no from you. If I don’t feel that way for a girl, then I shouldn’t even ask for her number. It’s a time sink for both her and me.
This rule can be applied across all of life, pursuits, friendships and relationships.
Presenting Your Ideal Self
There’s probably this one girl at work, school or within a social circle that you’re obsessing or thinking about. You probably do not dare to ask her out, and it has been months. You want that one girl as your girlfriend.
I, like you, and millions of guys out there, spend the good part of my teenage life fantasizing over ONE girl. Taking months to speak to her, and then taking years to ask her out. When I got my second girlfriend, I fantasized on lofty dreams and passions with her, sacrificing my own path, life purpose, and personal development.
She eventually lost attraction because I was being a pussy: not doing well in school, not doing well in other areas of my life. All I wanted to do was smoke and listen to John Lennon’s: All You Need Is Love. Of course, I got dumped. Getting a girlfriend doesn’t solve your life problems.
The better way to tackle the question of how to deal with rejection is to focus on self development and yourself. It is to become the ideal version of yourself. As a man, you should be pursuing life and investing in yourself rather than obsessing over one particular girl.
Self development and presenting your ideal self is a far better strategy. Presenting the best version of yourself to the world is based on internal values that we can control. When the right girl, at the right time comes into place, you are well prepared, you are already the best version of yourself.
Instead of obsessing over that one girl, or attempting pick up artist tactics, or worrying on how to deal with rejection, it’s a far better strategy to pursue your passions, developing a life that you’re proud of.