Everyone in the world has gone through success, failure, hurt, disappointment, anger and lost. Learning how to talk to build an emotional connection is as simple as connecting to with these universal experiences and values.
Not only that, it’ll make your connection to the people around you more meaningful.
Sometimes, taking a step back and listening to others can give you a lot of insight to their world and yours.
Developing a deeper friendship, and a romantic relationship requires vulnerability. In hindsight, there were many relationships in my life that were merely built upon just spending time with each other. There was no true connection on values, perspectives, and meaning.
How to Build an Emotional Connection: The Universality of Emotions
Forgot the trivialities of the “WHATs” of life: their job, their cat’s name and where they live. It’ far better to peer into the WHYs. This requires vulnerable action. This requires one to share a vulnerable part of ourselves, and like: really giving a fuck about each other’s humanity.
Everybody on this planet shares a handful of universal emotional realities: ambition, shame, alienation, loneliness, achievement, regret, hardship, friendship, love, heartbreak. We’ve all experienced it. The facts change, the feelings are the same. I don’t care how shallow or dumb or weird or annoying she is, she has it somewhere in her. It’s your job to dig it out and connect with it. That’s where the gold is. That’s where the real magic happens. Challenge yourself to find it. Because once you do, you’ll never go back.
Everyone has a story. It’s just how well they are able to express theirs. You want to relate to the underlying emotions behind all the facts. The facts are mere superficial details of the emotions experienced. Relate to the feelings, not the facts.
For Eg. Feeling pressurized before a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu competition is the same pressure before a giving a business pitch. They are both some sort of competition in some way. One of them is trying to overcome a physical challenge whilst the other a financial one. The Brazilian Jiu Jitsu competitor is risking failure, success, and embarrassment just like how the entrepreneur is.
Never thought how a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu champion can relate to an entrepreneur uh?
Being Aware of Your Own Life Stories and Motivations
You have to be aware of your own emotions, motivations, and life story. Many guys suck at this. Guys tend to discuss technical know-hows and superficial details rather than go introspect into their own emotions.
I always wanted to be a psychologist growing up because I had a lot of problems growing up as a rebellious teenager. I was always angry, apathetic and under performing. I ended up being hooked onto self development due to a horrible break up with my ex-girlfriend. I was addicted to the fact that I could have a control over my dating life and social interactions.
Through years of research, trials, and failure, today, I feel much more in control of my dating life. I also read up on psychology: concepts such as meaning, building a perspective beyond myself, contribution, and that inspired my entrepreneurial project as a Singapore dating coach.
Learning how to relate to people will not only do well for you in your dating life, but it’ll help in your professional pursuits, family, and friendships.
Getting to Know someone Is Getting to Know The Why
True connection and meaningful relationships are built upon understanding and relating to each other’s WHYs in life.
The majority of out culture is only comfortable with conversing about the what and the hows. Motivations behind pursuits and behaviors are often left out. However, I feel that these things are important in fulfilling relationships.
Here’s an example of going into the WHYs: I pursue business I want to be financially free because I felt financially threatened in my growing up years as my family went bankrupt for a period of time. I also always felt that my parents saw money as a means to control my life to get them to do what they want. I think that fucked me up a little.
That is a ‘Why’.
You’ll have to take the lead by sharing those emotions, motivations and life story. But what? Why do I have to open up before others do? Yes, you do. It’s always on you. Furthermore, being a leader in social interactions is an attractive trait.
Sharing first encourages her and others to open up and share themselves in return.
The more this goes on, the more personal stories become, and the deeper the emotions you connect with.
From experience, some people just aren’t equipped with social skills to express themselves in the way that you are able to. Be patient with them.
Keeping Things Light and Matching the Level of Investment in a Relationship
I’m a nerd. I enjoy talking about death, the meaning of life and other nerdy subjects, and I often lament about how culture and society got us interaction only on the superficial layers, instead of finding depth in our conversations and truly getting to know one another.
For the last 3-4 years, as I evolvef from my earlier days as a Singapore pick up artist, my style of ‘game’ is to get as much depth and expression of personality out of the person I’m interacting with. Talking about superficialities of life bored me to death. I’d rather talk about dreams, values, and worldviews.
This has fundamentally affected how I perceived the social world. I’m always wondering to myself: why can’t people enjoy more meaningful conversations? Why are people only comfortable with talking about subjects outside of themselves?
I’m always left wondering to myself: why can’t people enjoy philosophical conversations? Why are people only comfortable with talking about subjects outside of themselves?
I was watching Tyler, founder and pick up artist from Real Social Dynamics giving a keynote about socializing.
He talks about how he’s a super nerd, and would rather go on nerdy conversations all the time, rather than actually converse in ‘dumb shit’.
He mentioned that: you’re not supposed to have deep and meaningful conversations with everyone. Firstly, that’s causes the world is full of shit, if you’re going to try to have deep and meaningful conversations with everyone, you’re going to get hugely disappointed.
He then gave the topic of self-development and pick up. He asked the audience: how many of you try to talk about this to other friends and they just won’t get you.
Imagine if you are an intelligent professor who has done years and years of research in his lab, and has written countless papers and reports on theoretical physics. You are not going to be willing to have a deep and intellectual conversation about physics with just about anyone one right?
You’re not supposed to build an emotional connection with just about everyone you meet. There are people that you want to filter out. It’s a lack of personal boundaries.