I’ve read up tons of dating, relationship, pick up artist advice and literature on how to attract women.
Some advice said to tease her, some said to ignore her, some said to do it directly, some say to text her only after X number of days, some say you got to be ‘masculine’. It was all really confusing to me. None of them offered a clear model.
I needed something more structured, a clear model and principles that is replicable universally.
However, as I dug deeper, it turns out that there’s no one conclusive answer. There’s no one fit all model. There are many school of thoughts from evolutionary to social psychology, however, there are a couple of principles you can adopt to be attractive to women across all cultures.
How to Attract Women – The Universality of Status
Psychological research shows that there’s one universal denominator that women find desirable across all cultures, ethnicities, age groups and socio-economic standing and even in time periods.
The largest common denominator of what attracts women to men is men who are perceived to be of higher status around women.
This is commonly known in the pick up artist community as being of higher status, or ‘demonstrations of higher value’.
Note, I used the word perceived, that’s because status is relative, and I’ll get into that later.
So, how do you become ‘high status’, then? Is it something that’s demonstrated through looks, money and success?
That’s both true and untrue.
Your Invisible Scripts: The Role of Looks, Money and Success when Attracting Women
Culturally, you see hot women splashed over and associated with every single advertising campaign. The bouncers at the clubs treat her nice, the girls and boys treat her nice, she gets social opportunities shoved in her face, she gets into clubs for free and everyone loves her… for her looks. I’m generalizing here and I might be wrong, but you get my point.
If you’re brought up like me in a conservative Asian culture, you’re probably told a hundred million times to think that once you do well in school, get a good job, you’ll automatically be able to kill it when it comes to women. There’s a huge pressure for us Asian males who grow up in a culture that associates monetary achievement with success.
These cultural narratives influence your confidence with women to a certain extent.
However, if money, looks and success is all it takes to attract women, then why do women all around the world find themselves flocking to the broke artist or the University athlete?
If attraction is determined by purely monetary assets, then why do so many wealth off males in developed cultures can’t lay a date so save their lives and resort to dating sites or prostitution? Why is it that the majority of the female population in the world make romantic/sexual decisions with pretty average males, and are okay with it?
Yes, looks, money and success are external demonstrations of ‘status’. However, assuming you’re an average male are aren’t born into a privileged family, you can’t rely on looks, money and success. Luckily, research shows that YOU too can be attractive to women.
So, how do you be of ‘high status’ to the girl? Is accumulating money looks and success? Or is rooted in behaviour? If material objects or social status aren’t the only accurate measurement of your attractiveness to women. Then how can you truly measure how attractive you are to women?
Welcome to the relativity of status.
The Relativity of Status
In Models by Mark Manson, a booked based on decades of psychology, the author argued that status is relative. That means, your “level of attractiveness to women” varies according to place, time and social situation.
Here’s a demonstration on the relativity of status:
Wearing a Rolex watch, flaunting material wealth and flashing it in club in a developed country will get you eye rolls. You’ll come off as insecure and try hard. However, if you go to less developed cultures in world, wearing a Rolex watch will be all you need to attract women.
The Relativity of Status:
Take a male who has a high paying job. He may be able to come up with silly jokes or one liners may come off as confident. However, he’s in a job he hates. He does it please his parents, impress girls, or is saying those jokes to get validation from her. It’s not genuine or authentic expression of his identity.
He’s still an unattractive male at the end of the day.
Whereas, a truly confident man may not have the best lines, however, he’s authentic in his words and doesn’t try to impress any one. He may openly admits he’s in between jobs, but gets excited and passionate discussing his projects or his passions.
He may not be as monetarily successful as the former. However, he is a leader and the former is a follower. From an evolutionary standpoint, who do you think women are attracted to?
The Potential for Status
Okay, if you’re not ‘successful’ yet in the the eyes of modern society, fret not.
The research also shows that the potential for status is equally attractive with status itself.
This means that if your behaviour shows that you have the potential to be rich, famous, success, it is equally attractive to the people who are rich, famous and success already.
Personal experience backs this up, when I was a broke accounting student, I was far off from ‘successful’. However, I dated women who had more academic qualifications, money and ‘ social status’ than I did. In fact, I sucked academically. However, I was passionate about many topics and that it was a huge period of growth for me.
In modern culture, there’s a there’s a huge emphasize placed on external success such as prestige, jobs and wealth. It’s miscontrued that just by racking up job security, cars, wealth, and prestige will make you attractive to women.
You see, women don’t spend their nights fantasizing to a white picket fence or your bank account. They fantasize about far stranger things.
From personal experience, women in developed societies are educated and are able to finance their lifestyles independently on men. They aren’t exactly looking for wealth or prestige. I’ve dated women who told me that they can provide for themselves and are not looking for a guy to provide financially for them. Of course, minus the gold diggers.
I’m not saying do not thrive to make money, get good grades or look good. They all help, just like academic success don’t translate directly to getting good with women. However, the discipline to perform well in school can be applied to similar skillsets required to get good with women.
I’m saying that you shouldn’t be reliant on your monetary success to attract women. You also do need some money to go to social events, use public transport, put yourself in demographics, go out on dates, dress well and have your own place etc.
Ultimately, whether you’re born rich and famous or not, you’re still required to adopt attractive behaviours to be successful with women. There’s no way around this.
Note: Having social skills and being extraverted also doesn’t mean that you’re automatically great with women. I was an extravert during my late teens, I still got nowhere with women. You can be social with everyone, however, if you freak you when it comes to talking to a girl you’re into, then being Mr Popular still isn’t going to get you anywhere.
How To Be Attractive: Our Behaviour as a Determinant of Status
Genetics (looks), huge houses, cars and credits cards are all displays of external wealth, prestige and social status. They can lead to attraction. However, these variables are NOT directly in your control.
If you’re measuring yourself based on in external metrics such as making a million dollars, popularity, factors that are out of your control, then you’re not going to be really attractive that’s because your self esteem is going to fluctuate based on these external variables. Secondly if you’re relying on popularity, wealth, cars to attract women, you’ll never build rock solid self-esteem and core confidence.
On ther other hand, you can focus on self development. You’ll also find out later that it’s better this way.
If external circumstances such as looks, money and social status can’t be controlled, at least immediately, what CAN be controlled then? That’s our behaviour.
My personal belief is that how attractive you are to women is proportionate to your ability to assert/express your emotional/sexual desires, needs and values in a socially intelligent/ acceptable manner, not just to women, but in all areas of your life.
How does this play out? This can play out in obvious ways and subtle ways.
If you’re going to go to University and doing a degree because your parents, society or your friends think it’s a good idea to, and you secretly hate it, it’s going to come off. If you’re getting that job just because ‘that’s what everybody does’. What does this say about you?
You’re a follower and not a leader. You’re not living a life based on your values, and not at all being assertive in your life. You’re more concerned about what others think about you than what you think of yourself.
For example, a rich banking executive may display external signs of prestige such as monetary success, cars and more. He may not be truly satisfied or happy with his career or lifestyle. Compare this to the musician living from gig to gig. He may not be rich (yet), however, he’s happy and fulfilled when creating music.
The first is a follower and the later is a leader..
From a behavioural and evolutionary standpoint, which one will women be attracted to? The follower or the leader?
If you are able to assert yourself and live a life based on your values: You dress a certain way because it’s a genuine expression of yourself, you pursue a lifestyle that you enjoy and you are doing activities that genuinely make you happy. You’re a leader. From an evolutionary standpoint, you’ll be a reliant and depenbale father can take care of her offspring. Hence you’ll be attractive to her.
So Should You Not Give a Total Fuck?
On the other end, being confident doesn’t mean that you go around not caring about social norms and not giving a fuck anybody, feeling like you deserve to assert and dominate yourself in all situations.
Having true confidence means you respect the boundaries and ideas of others, but at the same time, you’re not fazed if someone else disagree with you or rubs you off negatively.
Now, let’s take at the second universal determinant on what attracts women.
The Psychology of Sexual Attraction – The Desire to Be Desired
The one other universal determinant of female attraction is the desire to be desired.
If the perception of status causes her to be psychological aroused, then the desire to be pursued causes her be sexually aroused. In laymen terms, the perception of status, psychological arousal, makes her want to be your girlfriend. However, sexual arousal, makes her want to have sex with you right there and then.
You see, women don’t light candles and lay in bathtubs fantasize about condominiums and cars. They fantasize about far stranger things. This goes against the conventional idea that female arousal is tied to ideas and displays of security, investment, and commitment.
If you don’t believe me, then why did Fifty Shades of Grey sold millions of copy all around the world? It’s literally porn for women. Why does woman get turned off by the man who asks for permission when taking off her clothes, but get turned on by the male who doesn’t hesitate in the bedroom. Why are women reported to have rape fantasies?
So what does all of this mean for you and I?
If you’re afraid to ask her out, afraid to kiss her or afraid to touch her, it’s going to be a turn off for her. It means that your inability to express your desire for her directly is going to turn her off.
In the Singaporean/Asian/ modern culture, it’s an ‘invisible script’ to reserve your advances when pursuing a girl.
It’s an invisible script that I told myself for YEARS, along with millions of other nice guys, severely deliberating my success with women. It was only when I started behaving in a more dominant and assertive way, that I started attracting more women.
My personal belief is that the majority of men (and be of course) are suffering from a lack of sexual assertiveness. It’s the inability to feeling guilty/ bad/ worthless when asserting your sexual/ emotional desires and need. That’s a form of shame.
This is why you don’t go up to talk to her. This is why even when you go up to talk to her you’re afraid to touch her.
Your single ability to be sexually assertive with women will determine a lot of your success with women. Your inability to be sexually assertive can be rooted in many factors such as cultural influences, overly strict upbringing, poor relationship with your parents or past traumas.
Psychological research shows that your fears never really go away, but you develop higher order habits to cope with them. There’s no way through about this but to develop higher order habits over your old behaviours.
Note: Developing Dark Triad Traits as a Means on attracting Women
There are authorities on the internet suggesting that developing dark triad traits are useful as as a short term mating strategy. There is research that goes to show that dark traid traits can be helpful in short term mating strategies, however, the evidence is debatable.
Furthermore, like I mention later in this article, you are who you attract and date, if you’re attempting to adopt dark triad ways of behaviour, don’t be surprised if you end up dating psychopathic women yourself.
Your Intentions: The Why Behind Your Behaviour
So Marcus, what you’re saying is that all I got to do is to show that I’m of ‘higher status’ and tell that I want to have sex with her right there and then?
Intentions are the SECRET SAUCE that majority of dating advice seem to miss. I’ve seen men f it up a gazillion times on this as a dating coach.
It’s NOT about ‘not giving a fuck’ and not caring about social norms and going up to grope her in broad day light. It’s about asserting your desire in a masculine, dominant but respectful manner.
Intentions are the ‘WHY’ behind your behaviour. In communication, what motivates your behaviour is equally as important as the behaviour itself. It is also a determinant if your behaviour is truly confident or you’re trying to be confident.
Think about it, you ever hung out with someone who was trying way too hard to be cool? You probably felt turned off and slightly disgusted right?
His behaviour or the surface may come off as cool but his intentions are way off.
When in doubt, always check your intentions.
It’s always good to ask yourself:
Is what you say to her authentic, a genuine expression of your desire for her? Or are you saying it because you read it a book somewhere that it is a good idea to?
This is why lines, pick up artist techniques and all of that unnecessary noise in the pick up artist literature is self-defeating in the long run.
This is why learning, memorizing and then using the theories as a technique, or a line or anything else is ultimately going to come off as un-confident behaviour. Ultimately, you’re using these lines, routines and strategies because you don’t believe that without them, you’re not enough as a person.
If you are trying too hard to be attractive, then you’re paradoxically being not attractive. If you’re trying too hard to look cool, you’ll probably come off as uncool. If you’re saying something to a girl just because you think she wants to hear it, it’ll probably turn her off. This is why the hundreds of men in bars around the world who trade alcohol for her attention fail miserably night after night.
How to Go Forward from Here?
So, how should you go forward from here to pursue women?
In psychology, there ‘s research that shows that people self selects similar values in relationships. This means that people with similar values and self esteem often end up together.
My personal belief is that vulnerability and boldness are the best ways to pursue women. Here at my site, I promote all my clients and readers pursue women from a position of vulnerability and security.
That’s because if you pursue women in a vulnerable and sexually open manner, you’ll attract women who are vulnerable and sexually open.
You’ll automatically screen out the rest that don’t.
Yes, you’ll get rejected. In fact you’ll get rejected a lot. There are times things don’t go my way, I get rejected a lot or they say I’m too blunt or forthright. However, there has been multiple instances where women have actually thanked me for being honest with them.
Furthermore, when you pursue women in an openly sexual and honest manner, it’ll force you to force you to overcome your shame. It’ll force you to become truly confident.
It’s no longer about learning more lines or techniques, it’s about being comfortable with your sexuality and expressing it to the right women that come a long your way.
When you come from an self invested perspective, you are now universally attractive to women. It’s no longer something that you do, it’s now something that you are.
Buss, D. M. (n.d.). The Evolution of Desire.Retrieved September 01, 2017, from Academia.Edu: https://www.academia.edu/325352/The_Evolution_of_Desire
Jonason, P. K., LI, N. P., & Buss, D. M. (2010). The Costs and Benefits of the Dark Triad: Implications for Mate Poaching and Mate Retention Tactics. Personality and Individual Differences, 4, 373-378.
Locke, D, K., Horowitz, & M, L. (1990). Satisfaction in interpersonal interactions as a function of similarity in level of dysphoria. Journal of Peersonality and Social Psychology, 58(5), 823-831.
Ph.D, N. S. (2013, August 22). What Do Women Really Want? Retrieved August 29, 2017, from PsychologyToday.Com: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight-therapy/201308/what-do-women-really-want
Yang, W. (2011, July 29). Sex, Lies and Data Mining.Retrieved Sep 1, 2017, from New York Times : http://www.nytimes.com/2011/07/31/books/review/a-billion-wicked-thoughts-by-ogi-ogas-and-sai-gaddam-book-review.html?pagewanted=all