I once read up tons of pick up artist, dating and relationship advice on how to attract girls. However, none of them offered a clear model. Some advice said to buy her flowers, some say to not text her, some say you got to be ‘masculine’. It’s all focusing to me. I needed something more structured, a clear model.
Is there an overarching model that one can take to understand female attraction? Yes and no. There’s no one conclusive answer. There’s no one or two model that fits all.
However, research and data can help us.
How to Attract Girls – The University of Status
Research shows that there’s one universal quality in men that women find desirable across all cultures, ethnicities, age groups and socio-economic standing, and even in time periods.
The largest common denominator of what attracts women to men is that men who are perceived to be of higher status around women tend to attract them more often.
This is also known in the pick up artist community as: being of higher status, or demonstrations of higher value.
So, how do you be of ‘high status’ to the girl? Is accumulating assets? Or is it understanding behaviour?
If it’s purely assets, then why do so many millionaires can’t lay a date but the broke musician in college find himself strung with girls after girl?
That’s because of the relativity of status.
- The Relativity of Status
Status is relative. Meaning to say that your “level of attractiveness to women” varies according to place, time and situation.
Someone who has a great job, may be able to come up with silly jokes or one liners may come off as confident. However, at the heart of it, he’s using it to impress girls and get validation from her. He’s still a needy man at the end. Whereas, a truly confident man, may not have the best of conversation skills, openly admits he’s in between jobs, but gets excited and passionate about talking about his mixed martial arts hobby.
Despite losing out on economical success, his behaviour is authentic, and coming from a non needy place.
To further demonstrate this point. Wearing a Rolex watch and flashing it in the clubs will get you eye rolls in the clubs in Singapore. However, if you go to the poorer part of the world, wearing a Rolex watch will be all you need to attract girls.
The reason being that flaunting material wealth is seen as a major status statement in the developing world, whereas in economically well to do countries like Singapore, it comes off try hard and insecure.
Research also shows that the potential for status is equally attractive with status itself. This means that if your behaviour shows that you have the potential to be rich, famous, success. It is equally attractive to the people who are rich, famous and success already.
Personal experience backs this up, when I was a broke undergraduate, I dated girls who had more academic qualifications, wealth and social status than I did.
This is commonly mis-construed for Asian culture; where there’s a huge importance is placed on external success. There’s a common misconception that conventional success of job security, cars, wealth, and prestige will bring about success with women.
So what gives? If material objects or social status can’t be an accurate measurement of your attractiveness to women. Then how can we truly measure attraction?
Our Behaviour as a Determinant of Status
My personal belief is that confidence can be defined by how much you value your perception of yourself, over the perception of others and her.
How does this play out? This can play out in major ways and subtle ways. Perhaps, you’re going to go to school and taking that degree because your parents, society or your friends think it’s a good idea too. You’re dressing the way society wants you to. You’re going to get that job just because ‘that’s what everybody does’.
What does this say about you? You’re a follower, and not a leader. From a behavioural and evolutionary standpoint, which one will the girl be attracted to? The follower or the leader?
On the other hand, if you value your perception of yourself over others. You’ll wear clothes because it’s a genuine expression of yourself. You’ll pursue a lifestyle that you’ll be proud of. You’ll be doing activities that genuinely make you happy.
On the other end, having true confidence doesn’t mean that you go around not caring about social norms, and not “giving a fuck” about others. Having true confidence means you respect the boundaries and ideas of others, but at the same time, you’re not fazed if people disagree with you, and you continue to pursue your own interests despite the judgments of others.
Now, notice that I haven’t said a thing about huge houses, cars and fancy credits cards. This is because while external wealth, prestige and social status can lead to attraction, so can may other factors such as genetics, cultural influences etc.
Hence, the focus here on our behaviour: the only factor we can fully control. This includes: How we dress, the clothes we wear, our occupation, our passions and hobbies and how well we express ourselves.
You and I might not be born into status or wealth, however, our behaviour can be the indicator if we’re attractive or not.
The financially well off banking executive may display external signs of prestige such as wealth, cars and more, however, he is just a follower and isn’t truly satisfied or happy with his career or lifestyle. However, the broke musician, may be living from gig to gig, however, he’s happy and fulfilled when creating music. Why do you the broke musician always finds himself surrounded by beautiful women?
From personal experience, girls in developed societies are well educated and are able to get a well-paying job. They aren’t looking for wealth or prestige. I’ve dated girls that told me that they can provide for themselves, and are not looking for a guy to provide financially for them. Of course, minus the gold diggers.
The Desire to Be Desired
Women don’t light candles and lay in bathtubs masturbating to condominiums and cars. They fantasize about far stranger things. This goes against the conventional idea that female arousal is tied to ideas and displays of security, investment, and commitment.
The one other universal determinant of female attraction is the desire to be desired. While social status or perception of status affects a women’s psychological arousal, but the desire to be pursued stimulates her sexual arousal.
What does that mean?
In laymen terms, perception of status, psychological arousal, makes her want to be your girlfriend. However, sexual arousal, makes her want to have sex with you right there and then.
If you don’t believe me, then Fifty Shades of Grey sold millions of copy all around the world? It’s literally porn for women. Why do woman get turned off by the man who asks for permission when taking off her clothes? Why are women reported to have rape fantasies?
So what does this mean for you and me? If you’re afraid to ask her out, afraid to kiss her, afraid to touch her, it’s going to be a turn off for her. In my Singaporean culture, it’s a cultural narrative to reserve your advances when pursuing a girl. This story that I told myself, along with millions of other Nice guys, severely hurt my success with girls.
It’s not about not giving a fuck and kissing her in broad day light. It’s about showing your interest in a dominant, respectful and masculine manner.
So Marcus, what you’re saying is that all I got to do is to show that I’m of ‘higher status’ and tell that I fuck her right there and then?
This is a point that majority of dating advice seem to miss.
It is the ‘WHY’ behind your behaviour. In communication, what motivates your behaviour is equally as important as the behaviour itself. It is also a determinant if your behaviour is truly confident, or you’re trying to be confident.
You ever hung out with someone who was trying way too hard to be cool? You probably felt turned off and slightly disgusted right?
Here’s the thing about intentions. If you are trying to be attractive, then you’re paradoxically being not attractive. If you’re trying to look cool, you’ll probably come off as uncool. If you’re saying something to a girl just because you think she wants to hear it, it’ll probably turn her off.
Which in doubt, check your intentions.
Is what you say to her authentic, a genuine expression of your desire and your sexuality? Or are you saying it because you read it a book somewhere that it is a good idea to?
This is why lines, techniques and all of that unnecessary noise in the pick up artist literature is self-defeating in the long run.
This is why learning, memorizing and then using the theories as a technique, or a line or anything else is going to come off as un-confident behaviour. Ultimately, you’re using these lines, routines and strategies because you don’t belief that without them, you’re enough. You’re putting on a front, and it’s unconfident behaviour.
How to Go Forward from Here?
So, ultimately, how should one go forward to pursue women?
I personal belief that open communication, courage and honesty are the best ways to pursue a girl.
There’s research that shows that people self selects similar values in interpersonal relationships. People with similar values and self esteem often end up together.
If you pursue women in an honest and sexually open manner, you’ll highly likely attract girls who are honest and sexually open, and you’ll screen out the rest that don’t.
In my personal experience. Yes, there are times things don’t go my way, they said I’m too blunt or too honest. However, there has been multiple instances where girls have actually thanked me for being honest with them.
Pursuing girls in an openly sexual and honest manner will force you to question your beliefs about yourself. It will force you to overcome your shame. It’ll force you to become truly confident.
There’s nothing to learn here. Expressing desire comfortable is an internal process of removing barriers, and not an external one. It’s not about the cars, your job, lines or techniques, it’s about being comfortable with our sexuality, and expressing it to the right girls that come a long our way.
Manson, M. (n.d.). How to Attract Women. Retrieved August 29, 2017, from MarkManson.Net: https://markmanson.net/attract-women
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Buss, D. M. (n.d.). The Evolution of Desire. Retrieved September 01, 2017, from Academia.Edu: https://www.academia.edu/325352/The_Evolution_of_Desire
Yang, W. (2011, July 29). Sex, Lies and Data Mining. Retrieved Sep 1, 2017, from New York Times : http://www.nytimes.com/2011/07/31/books/review/a-billion-wicked-thoughts-by-ogi-ogas-and-sai-gaddam-book-review.html?pagewanted=all
Wikipedia. (n.d.). Interpersonal attraction. Retrieved September 1, 2017, from Wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interpersonal_attraction#Similarity_or_complementarity