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How to Know if You Got a Good Coach in Success with Women

How to Know if You got a Good Coach in Success with Women?

‘Good game don’t seem like game, and it’s often monotonous and boring.’ – Todd Valentine
‘Judge someone’s ‘game’ by their average set.’ – Todd Valentine

Those lines are music to my ears.

I’m always wondering if I’m the only guy in pick up artist world that thinks that way. To be honest, I fucking hate social interactions that stand out like a sore thumb. This is especially so in an Asian setting like Singapore. It’s not socially intelligent to stand out TOO MUCH in your social interactions.

I also hate how everyone measures ‘good game’.

Some of them includes: day time instant make outs, instant dates, dating 3 girls a week, sleeping with 10 girls a month and all those superficial metrics.

Come on, be smarter than this.

Some important details to note:

  •  What are the quality of girls you’re dating?
  • How much fucking time are you over investing in this ONE area of your life? What’s your ‘return on investment’?

Your ‘game’, is only as good as the hottest/smartest and ‘whatever metric you want to use’ girl you dated. It doesn’t matter if you slept with 100 girls. Your ‘game’ is still determined by the quality of girls you date. Anybody can play the numbers game. You can go out 6 times a week, approach 100s of girls and eventually hit something.

Starting out, I was a lot less choosy, however, my focus as of today and my next 5 years is on business, academic performance, travel and experiences. These days, when I’m out with friends, I’ve often been criticized by being a lot more selective with my approaches. Yes, a lot of time, those were excuses.

However, the many other times, there’s a rationale behind it. You want to optimize your time and effort for quality. For your highest pay off.

Okay, I’ve watched some ideas float over the internet by ‘authorities’ both locally, and overseas, their thoughts on infield videos, natural game, social circle game, lifestyle mastery and pick up associated ideas.

Here’s what I think:

Psychology, Philosophy, Is it Necessary?

Yes, and NO.

You do NOT need to understand Carl Jung, Sigmund Freud and psychological models to get better at your social skillsets with women. For the first 2-3 years of me practicing this, I only barely scraped the SURFACE of such subjects and I was focused on getting the results: which is dating a hot girl.

However, as I became a lot more interested in human behavior, upbringing, childhood trauma, repression and attachment theory. That was when I dived deeper in psychology as an intellectual pursuit. However, you do NOT need MOST of that when starting out.

I’ve seen videos of dating coaches criticizing brands or ideas that focuses only the technical skillset of social skillsets, instead of paying more attention to the psychological aspect. That’s utter rubbish.

You do NOT need to know in-depth about psychology to get better with women.

However, with that being said, a basic understanding of popular psychology can be helpful, for example, understanding the psychology on how to attract women.

Thoughts on ‘Lifestyle Mastery’

You can have the best social circles, lifestyle and still NOT be good with women. I used to be someone somewhat similar to that, in my earlier teens. I had friends, large social circles, and yet, I didn’t go out on dates.

Whilst it’s important to have a supportive network of friends around you, that don’t fuck you over, talk shit behind your back and etc. You do NOT need to solely focus on ‘lifestyle mastery’ to get good at this.

It also shouldn’t be your primary focus, assuming you have money, some friends and a roof over your head. You should be focusing on the technical aspects.

Thoughts on Infield Footage

Infield footage in the arena of dating advice is mere proof of whether someone is good enough to teach you. To claim to ‘infield videos are a complete lie’ is merely justifying why you can’t produce a good infield video or demonstration.

‘Why should I make an infield video just to proof myself to you.’ – Some coach said.

Well, then why should I take advice from you?

On that note, I think it’s unavoidable, I’ll need get someone to film my average cold interaction in the near future.

Secondly, flashy infield videos do NOT count as good game. Flashy infield videos can include instant make outs, big movements, picking up girls and spinning them and etc. 
One thing I’d like to point out is: if you’re getting a girl’s number 2 minutes into an interaction, she’s probably giving it to you not because she likes you, but because she’s giving it to you just to give it to you.

Solid interactions and solid numbers take up to 10-15 minutes. Remember, great ‘game’ is monotonous, boring, repeatable, sustainable and relatable ESPECIALLY in the Asian context.

Thoughts on ‘Quality Girls’ and Online Dating

‘I went out of X number of girls on Tinder in the last Y number of weeks.’

Well, show me those pictures of the girls. Yes, if you’re bragging, I’m judging. Personally, I’m obsessed with quality. I got into this to date quality girls, I didn’t come into this to sleep with 200 girls, have bragging rights and feel miserable. I also didn’t get into this to sit behind my phone busy being their text buddies or online dating buddies.

You can also argue that the really attractive girls aren’t online.

Hence, quantity isn’t a good metric.

Secondly, online dating does not mean that you have great ‘game’. You’re just using online dating to avoid honing your social skillsets in itself, which is based on real life interactions.

I’m not Rejection Proof and I still Suffer from Approach Anxiety, Just like You

Lastly, I still get rejected a fuck ton, and I still have approach anxiety when I approach. I still screw up with girls on dates, over text and 5 days into the interaction. It’s just the name of the game. I’m just human.

Anyone who tells you otherwise, is lying.

The Price of Excellence

The Price of Excellence – Pursuing Non-Mediocrity

When you’re a young, in school or starting off at work, you want to be cool, accepted and liked. You want to feel that your part of the cool gang, part of the pack. That’s inevitable.

However, if you want to do something different, or have a life that isn’t merely mediocre or actually excel at something, there’s a price for it. There’s a difference between security and excellence.

Some times, the opposite of cool is performance.

The majority of the world is concerned about your security, that includes your parents and your friends. When you pursue non-mediocrity, firstly, you’re going to give something up in yourself, you’re going to have to take the risk, you’re having to have to be responsible for your own decisions, and secondly, you’re going to piss few people off around you.

It’s inevitable.

Okay, here’s a great example I faced for the last half a decade. When I was busy pouring myself into books, pushing myself through world travel, chasing girls, failing my first couple of tries in business, attempting to take everything life has to offer, I’m sure the world felt that I left them behind. I was also sure that a lot of my friends couldn’t stand what I was doing. In fact, a couple of them unfollowed me on Instagram.

Initially, I thought, fuck them, they can’t do anything with THEIR life, they see me doing it and it’s uncomfortable for them to see me do it. That may or may not be true. However, true friends should support each other in one other’s success right? So, fuck them I thought.

However, if I dig deeper, I realized that it’s not about leaving anyone behind, or anyone leaving you behind. It’s just an incompatibility of values. Your values have just changed. You became from a lazy underperforming sack of shit, to someone who isn’t afraid to care about something, whilst the rest of the world still stood still.

If you dug even deeper, you now face a different set of problems. Perhaps you started out thinking: if I read this pick up artist material, I would now be able to sleep with girls and be happy. Great, you got that down, however, now you’re exposed to a different set of problems: attachment theory, long term happiness, life purpose, connecting with your deeper values and more.

What the hell!?!

The Price of Excellence: Societal Values

It’s funny that you read stuff like that online, you go back home, feel guilty about change and never do end up doing anything.

‘I shouldn’t be doing this, it’s too selfish’.
‘What if I failed?’
‘What if I succeeded?’
‘What if my friends all laughed at me?’

This was a huge problem I faced. I thought to myself: what if I started posting nerdy shit like good grades on Instagram? What will my friends back home think? What if I started telling my bum friends: I want to be rich, I am going to start a business.

What if I told your friends: I know you think I’m crazy, I’m going to quit my finance degree, and take a psychology degree, I know it’s a long shot, however, it’s something I always wanted to do in my life

How will they react?

These are problems that I face today. It spiraled out of just wanting to be good with women. These are completely different set of problems from just going out and talking to girls. These are a set of problems you’ll face when you start pursuing non-mediocrity in any area of your life.

Growth Versus Acceptance

This set of problems hit me a couple of times a year or two ago when I started noticing different set of people falling off from my life when I made several decisions in my life. It was extremely tough for me. I even told myself: maybe I shouldn’t be doing all of these. Perhaps I should go back to school, get my accounting degree, get a job, and lead a non controversial life.

That’s exactly what I did for a year. Well, it was a half assed effort and I flunked it.

Did I feel accepted by society? Yes. Did my friends pat me on my back for doing something realistic? Hell no.

I figured this:

If I did a degree like I really enjoyed: unrealistic idealist.
If I did an accounting degree: obsessed guy over money.

I’ll share with you a story. After going back and forth on a decision about taking a certain degree for years. I made the decision, fuck this, if I failed, and if everyone thought I was being unrealistic, so be it, I’ll figure something out.

When I made this decision, I told a long time friend that I paused my accounting degree, signed up for a degree that I’ve always wanted to do.

She rolled her eyes.

I was expecting something like: You’re crazy Marcus. However, it’s really cool that you are finally trying to do something you’re really into.

I guess I’ll never be fully accepted either ways. I’ll never be cool either ways. Since, I’ll never be cool either ways, then fuck everyone else, I should do what the fuck I was going to do in the first place right?

Heard of Robert Downey Jr?

The Price of Excellence

Yeah, smile, agree and do whatever the fuck you’re going to do anyway.

The problem I face in collectivistic Asian culture is that almost everything is geared towards NOT rocking the boats. Don’t be selfish, don’t be outspoken, don’t be this and don’t be that. It’s a piss poor mindset for growth.

I don’t consider myself a success.

However, I know that if I want to be a true success, I need to give all of that up. Just like how you want to be better with women, you’ll need to kill a part of yourself, and be willing to be polarizing and controversial. You’re going to piss some people off; you’re also going to have to be perfectly OKAY with that.

Look, I’m not saying to go about, start pissing everyone off on purpose, or declaring that you read X number of books a week. I’m actually a lot more diplomatic than that. That’s part of social intelligence right?

These days, I never out rightly say that I am attempting to run a company. I just say that I’m an employee of a company. I don’t say that I write long self development articles like this one. I don’t flaunt the books that I’ve read, the countries I’ve been or the girls I’ve been with.

However, some of these actions are going to reverberate in my life, and it’s going to be obvious in my relationships.

  • If you’re late, I’m going to call you out
  • If you’re not growing yourself, you and I going to have meaningless conversations, it’s going to show through my body language and attention span

There is a price to pay for non-mediocrity: acceptance from the masses. I’d even argue that it’s not even the concept of non-mediocrity. Non mediocrity sounds like you’re doing something for the sake of excelling.

It’s price of a fulfilling life.

 

How to Make Time for Relationships for the Career Focused

How to Make Time for Relationships for the Career Focused

I run two companies, am in the midst of pursuing a degree, travel every couple of months, love reading, workout almost daily and most importantly want to still make time for quality relationships. How do I balance everything out?

You often hear: ‘all you need is to hustle’. That’s rubbish. Hustle isn’t the answer. You and I are all cognitive misers and our behaviour is influenced by our environment more than you think. Powering through rarely works, especially when it comes to relationships, something that is out of your control.

If you’re career focused, an entrepreneur like me, that enjoys different aspects of life, how can you make time for relationships? Look, I’m not going to baby seat you and say that things will just fall into place. No surprises here, but you’re going to have to make time and effort to cultivate quality relationships in your life.

When you’re in work or University, all of these are all given to you. You can easily make connections through lectures, social groups, or have drinks with colleagues after work. However, that’s severely limiting. What if you don’t want to be limited by that?

Forget The Line & Strategies: Focus on Quality

One of the philosophy that I advocate on my site is to attract women from a point of honesty and authenticity.

These days, I don’t have time for lines, games and gimmicks. I polarize my interactions really quickly. If she’s not in, then she’s out. Judge people not by what they say, but by what they do. I hold these standards throughout my relationships. If someone and I have different values and value different things, then I’ll drop the relationship, and connect with new people.

I made the mistake in my earlier twenties by forcing relationships. You’re going to gel with someone people and you’re not.

There’s Something More Important

If you’re career focused, that’s a good thing. You already have something more important than your relationships. Yes, I said that you have to allocate time and effort to your romantic relationships, however, there’s no need to sacrifice your values and boundaries for them.

Just recently, a girl who I met a couple of months ago flew into Singapore and wanted to meet me. I wasn’t planning on meeting her anymore because things didn’t go well the last time I met her. She was too shy and too inexperienced. I didn’t want to babysit anyone. It’s just not worth it.

This time, when she was back in Singapore, she initiated the interaction and I thought, hmm, I’ll give it a shit. She’s pretty and I have nothing to lose. However, my patience with her was extremely limited. You’re going to value my time, if not, I’ll drop you. She rescheduled on me twice and had piss poor planning. I dropped her. I don’t care if the reasons are genuine or not.

It wasn’t worth the effort trying to chase someone who didn’t work out with me the last time around and reschedule on me twice.

Secondly, this isn’t University or your school days anymore. You should drop people who aren’t adding any particular value in your life. You should dump those friends that are a drain of energy. If you’re career driven, yet, you’re hanging out with bums after work, then let’s just say you won’t have any time for romantic relationships. You should evaluate all your relationships, and double down on the ones that are adding value to your life.

Thirdly, this relates to my second point. Who do you spend your time with? Do you spend your time with workaholics that only have work going on in your life? Or do you spend time with people who are also interested in meeting new people? Up till today, I keep close in touch with the top performers from the pick up artist community. It’s simple, I pick out the guys that are good, and I form a relationship with them.

Of course, I don’t do that out of a vacuum. I constantly add value to their life, whether be it in business knowledge or as a supportive friend. Here’s what I observed: the majority of people take their relationships for granted. They assume that their relationships are always going to be there, that’s because these relationships are built out of social circumstances: University or work. Hence, they never put in an effort to cultivate a ‘value added’ mindset. It’s about them, them and them.

Whenever I meet someone more successful than me, I’m always thinking, how can I add to their life? I value every single minute that someone spends with me, or I spend with someone.

Even if I have nothing to offer, I can at least make it easy for them to meet me. This includes: not being late and not being an asshole. Two simple concepts that a huge portion of people lacks. The world isn’t’ about you and your problems asshole/bitch. When you meet someone, it’s supposed to be a two-way interaction. Not just you and your stupid problems.

Making a Conscious Effort to Invest in Your Relationships

Hustle isn’t the answer. Whether if you’re a stockbroker, entrepreneur or in sales. Your productivity decreases after a certain time limit. What you spend working on the last 2-3 hours that you attempt to squeeze out isn’t going to be as productive as the deep work you do in the first 2-3 hours.

Overtime work is largely overvalued.

I made this huge mistake when I started my companies. I would sit in Starbucks, only be productive for an hour or two and sulk for the rest of the hours. The time that could have been invested in other areas of my life. Sometimes, I would even be ‘proud’ of that fact that I spent a whole day ‘hustling’.

Rubbish.

Okay, now that you have this ‘all you need to hustle’ pressure off your back. You have free time to invest in your relationships.

Every month, I make sure I turn up for a public networking event. These events can be found on platforms such as Eventbrite. I don’t believe in networking to get clients. I do it to socialize, find potential business partners and as an investment in my relationships.

Every week, I also make it a point to make a 1-and-a-half-hour drive to participate in a football game. When I don’t, I show up to my University club to take part in Muay Thai training. I also keep a close circle of friends that aren’t from work or University who I invite out for chips and beer once a week. When I feel like hitting the clubs on the weekends, I know a bunch of guys that would be up for it. I have an ecosystem that works for me. These avenues allow me to invest in my relationships, build a sense of camaraderie that rubs off my self esteem as a whole.

These things didn’t just magically fell into my hands. I made the conscious effort, social skillsets, allocation time and effort to make these things happen over the last couple of years.

How to Have Real Behavioral Change to Get Results in Your Dating Life

The Behavioural Change Required to Boost Your Dating Life

I used to be one of the biggest failures during my Junior College days. You wouldn’t believe the grades that I got for my Advanced Levels examinations. I was rebellious, audacious and pretended that I didn’t give a fuck about anything. It was a combination of overcompensation of my insecurities and shit-y beliefs growing up.

Fast forward 7 years. I’ve traveled a good portion of the world, dated girls from all over the world, helped two businesses with marketing campaigns, started my own, studied psychology in one of the top Universities in the world, understood how to invest in the financial market and proudly declared that I’m a constant avid learner of life.

You often hear self help gurus say that it’s all about ‘mindset’. They throw phrases like ‘mind over matter’, all it matters is ‘how much you want it’ and all that sort of popular phrases you see on Instagram memes.

100% Bullshit.

It’s not about ‘wanting it bad enough’. It’s not about ‘mind over matter’. Infact, psychological research shows that willpower is finite.

The fastest way to involve behavioral change is to actually change the environment around you.

When I was being a total underperforming asshole during my Junior college days, the people I spent the majority of my time around were rebels. Skipping school and lectures was something to be proud of. In fact, I was more proud of finding loop holes in the system as opposed to getting my grades right. Needless to say, I didn’t do well for my examinations.

So how did I go from a chain smoking rebel who didn’t give a hoot about academics to feeling proud that I Ace-ed my summer program in one of the top Universities in the world?

Well, simply put, it’s environment.

When a huge group of friends stopped hanging out with me when I was in the military, I was forced to build social skillsets and make new friends on the go. When my ex girlfriend broke up with me after I left the country for a week, I was forced to understand female psychology and social skillsets in order to not be a lonely person holding my dick in my hand on Friday nights.

When I was shit poor in my University coursework, I knew I couldn’t compete with the majority base do my academic results, I was forced to pick up entrepreneurial skillsets and read widely outside of school. When my freelance clients undervalued my work and stopped paying on time, that was when I told myself: I am going to stop being a freelancer and start being an entrepreneur.

These changes were made out of necessity. Not jumping about chanting affirmations or hitting a bongo drum.

How to Structure Behavioral Change?

You are a product of your environment, whether you like it or not. Psychological research shows that habit change occurs you change your environment and not the habit itself.

I got introduced to the idea of top performers. For most part of my life, I dived straight into my pursuits. I was fearless. I would get good at something for 3 months, lose interest in it, and stopped doing it. There was a lack of consistency in my life.

I realized that top performers in the world plan their schedule and pursuits way ahead of time. The friends I had from Junior college always seemed to have something going on for them next. They never seemed to fall behind in life. I was on the other hand, changing my career plans every two weeks. I was making short run decisions because I wasn’t planning ahead of time. That cost me years and years of indecision.

You should already be planning to hit the clubs twice a week. You already be allocating time for your social events to practice your social skills. It’s not something that you plan for from day to day. It’s only through preparation, then you’ll have the cushion to ‘live in the moment’.

So how can you become a top performer in your dating life?

It’s simple, it’s accomplished by changing your environment.

For years straight, I hung around with friends who made last minute plans, cancelled on me last minute and showed up late constantly.

It was only when I mapped out the qualities of people that I wanted to surround myself with, the behaviors that I’ll accept and not accept in my life that I got myself out of this karmic loop of feeling undervalued and frustrated in my social life.

Furthermore, when you create the right environment for your desired goals, your desired behaviors follow automatically.

Whenever I go to the club these day, I’m normally with a friend who is able to approach strangers effortlessly. He and I are not going to waste any time staring into the dance floor or wait around like 98% of the other guys. You’ll find both of us talking to strangers and girls within a couple of minutes in the club. That’s because both of us have the ability and the skillset to strike up a conversation with a stranger and when either of us see each other performing the desired behavior, the other will follow.

It’s a system that I created in my life.

You and I don’t like to think that external factors have a bigger than usual influence in our life, however, it does.

  • The Milgram Experiment showed that situation, not personality, could cause random people to give terminal shocks to helpless participants.
  • There’s a study that shows that a person in a hurry is less likely to help people, even if he is going to speak on a seminar related to the Good Samaritan. Some of them stepped over the victim on their way to the next building! It shows that thinking about norms does not imply that one will act on them.
  • There is research to show that our dieting choices are influenced by the packaging, portion size or the waiter when we’re eating out.

How does this play out in your dating life?

If you’re constantly upset by someone or something in your external environment, then it may be good to remove that particular influence in your life. If you got friends constantly putting you down, making you feel shit-y about yourself, then you may want to cut them out. Sometimes, this can even your parents or childhood friends.

Billionaire Warren Buffet was quoted saying: it’s better to hang out with people better than you. If you pick out associates whose behavior is better than yours, you’ll drift in that direction.

Changing your friends when you’re in your twenties it’s hard. It’s something I personally struggle with. It means saying no to a lot of people. It also means feeling lonely with these ideas for a period of time.

However, if it’s something you are aware of right from the start by mapping out the qualities and values of the people you wish to be around with, you’ll pick the right people and create the environment you wish for yourself.

People Are Retarded, You Shouldn’t Give them Advice

People Are Retarded, You Shouldn’t Give Advice to The Majority

I’ve just turned 25 a couple of weeks ago. I thought I shared some quarter decade-year-old lessons I learnt from listening to advice, dishing out advice, ranging from areas such as relationships and personal finance.

I know, I’ve been writing a lot more on the generic self development and relationship advice these days. If you haven’t read the entire site, I’ve already covered quite a bit from approaching a girl to first date guides. Not to worry, I’ll be back to the specifics of social skillsets and dating strategies in a couple of posts time.

For now, I’m going to hate people who ask advice, not only do not take it but repeat their mistakes and end up hating you call them out on it. Ps. These people don’t deserve your time nor your words.

Not Everyone Genuinely Wants Your Advice

Einstein once was quoted saying that there will be true peace if it was attained by understanding and not by force. I’m not going to debate against Einstein, however, I’d argue that reality doesn’t pan out that way, especially in the realm of relationships.

The majority of people simply do not wish to understand.

I always prided myself as someone who always desired my friends and business compatriots to understand why I was doing something or why I behaved in a certain way. That was just how I rolled. I don’t like ordering people around based on authority or making empty promises.

When you attempt to help someone understand. You’re not relying on emotional selling, authority or other non factual tactics. You’re patiently picking out the facts in a scientific manner and laying them out in front of them.

Well, nothing is more boring and least authoritative than someone attempting to point you out to something in a ‘scientific manner’. This is why politicians often rely on hyperbole, instead of specific words, theories or explanations in their political speeches.

Wasn’t Singapore (the country I am born in) governed by Mr Lee Kuan Yew who said that there was no need for cheating, lying or stealing? He said that you didn’t have to flatter, charm or cajole, you didn’t have to care about frivolous things or play silly games.

Let’s just say sometimes the world doesn’t work that way.

Some people (including longtime friends) would prefer your biased advice. Especially when it comes to relationship advice with that shit hat of their girlfriend or boyfriend. They want to hear what they want to hear. Some clients would rather you promise them easy results than to tell them: hey, this is going to take some work, but if you do it, you’re going to do well. Just so you know, if you’re one of those guys, don’t bother taking any of my programs, you’re going to fail and you’re going whine and bitch about a refund. I’d rather you save me the time.

Just 2 weeks ago, a long time friend of mine asked me if I could teach him how to create a website. I was impressed. He’s finally taking his first steps towards entrepreneurship. I passed him my email and told him he could email me and I’ll respond to them.

No surprises here, there wasn’t any email from him 2 weeks in.

Education isn’t Enough

Whilst I yearn for people to understand my way of thinking and behaviour, there’s nothing I can do if someone closes their ears and eyes to knowledge.

You can’t educate someone who doesn’t want to do something about it. This is especially so when you’re dishing out dating advice who wants your sympathy but not your honest feedback.

For variety’s sake, let me use an example in personal finance.

Just a couple of days ago, I was advice my father about how gold is a horrible investment in the long run, instead of admitting that he knew close to nothing about the investment field, he took up an opposite position and outrightly declared that he would invest in gold. He did it just to protect his ego.

Sure, go ahead and invest. It’s better than letting your cash sit in the bank. Well, so I attempted to persuade him to open a brokerage account. No surprises here again. No matter how hard I tried to persuade him in the next week by sending him emails daily about index funds, he never took the minimal action to open up a brokerage account.

In the realm of personal finance, I’ve always maintained my position over the years that 99% of traders lose money, the majority of hedge funds don’t outperform the market, you’re best sticking to index funds as a retail investor and that bitcoin is a shit poor form of investment.

That happens to be unpopular with the majority of the advice out there. Well, how of these people actually read a book on personal finance or bothered to look at the track records of these financial instruments?

These days, I am also careful about dishing out business of or personal finance advice. You would think that people, in general, are always looking for better ways to better their themselves or their business. That’s not always the case.

With matters to these, I wished I could quote one of my personal heroes in life, Charlie Munger: You’re smart. I’m right. Sooner or later, you’ll see that I’m right.

However, in many cases, it’s simply: you’re dumb and I’m right.

I was an idealist during my younger days, choosing to freely share my ideas and opinions with just about anyone.  Whilst I remain hopeful of the future, I became a lot more realistic and pragmatic.

I used to go around saying that Singapore isn’t a compassionate society and all of us should be more understanding. Well, what if they don’t want to understand anyway? So who the fuck cares? The death penalty wasn’t that bad after all, if you aren’t going to take the advice on drug trafficking then maybe you deserve the harsh sentence. You dig your own grave.

I found myself in similar situations time and time again. Instead of being appreciated for critical thinking skills in work or amongst business relationships, I’m often criticized for being too outright or too blunt.

You can’t have best of both worlds. If you’re going be outspoken, you got to be prepared to be feared or respected, and you’re going ruffle a few feathers. The people around you may revere you for your insight and vision, however, it’ll put a distance between you and them.

Look, I don’t go about offending people just for the sake of offending people, I’m someone who likes to be liked. Who doesn’t? However, if something isn’t right, it’s one of my values to voice it out, as opposed to keeping silent about it.

This has caused quite a bit of friction in my relationships. However, the right ones will appreciate me for my candour.

Don’t Bother Lecturing Your Friends

When you do something with your life, you might feel tempted to dish out advice for free amongst your friends. I remembered when I excitedly told my friend about the emotional progression model when I chanced upon a couple of dating advice books. Please don’t, just keep it in and go about your day.

Even if they ask, just kindly reject them.

I always felt that best friends are able to give honest feedback to each other. That’s the building block of a meaningful friendship. No? However, that’s not the case. You may be well meaning. However, let’s be honest here, everyone wants to be ‘cool’, no one wants to listen to your open feedback.

This brings me to my next point.

You’re going to clique with people that have naturally similar values as you. I dug my own grave when a bunch old relationships turned sour. I was too idealistic and afraid of making a solid judgment. When I took a couple of months abroad, I got a bird’s eye view of these relationships.

The same questions started popping out.

Why the hell does Sally put me down and criticize my ideas all the time, whilst she herself can barely back up her own ideals? Why the hell should I stand for that anymore? Why the hell does Rochelle slight my ideas when I excitedly told her that I just finished reading one of Lee Kuan Yew’s book?

There are going to be people who’re inspired by your pursuits, and there’s going to be people that look at you and say: Who the hell is he or she to be able to do that? Either way, the majority of them are retarded, don’t bother advising them, go start a blog, you’ll have better results.

The Fucking Idiots Who Don’t Listen

When I was working for a company managed by a multi millionaire, I thought he was going to be a good mentor for business and life. He was driving a luxury car that could easily pay off a public housing flat in Singapore IN FULL. He also had multiple properties in all around the world and often had something wise to say about something.

Through the next couple of months, he splashed the company’s cash on unneeded events, brokered poor business deals and landed himself in hot soup. Throughout the months, I attempt to get him to act otherwise not once, but a couple of times! However, instead of being appreciated of my advice, I was left out of company meetings.

It taught me that there’s a difference between inherited success and success that is self made. It also taught me that there are many ‘successful’ people out there that are actually playing a game of bluff.

I also figured that whilst it’s good to take advice from the best, it’s much better to work alongside with people who have the same desire and hunger as you do as compared to working with someone who is already successful or comfortable.

These days, I enjoy working with technicians. They know what they’re talking about.

When someone describes to you something in specific, you know he’s actually been on the ground and worked on the solution ground up.

If someone asked me for my advice on I marketed his site. I’ll simply detail it:

Writing quality content using keyword research, understand what the fuck us a unique selling proposition, understanding my target audience: their hopes fears and dreams, understanding how search engine optimization works, doing in depth academic research on my content, lugging my camera around, not screwing up on the memory card, creating videos using iMovie, testing out different business models, tracking keywords, tracking user acquisition through Google analytics, understanding how to pitch to the press and the list goes on forever.

You can bet that’s solid advice.

So, what kind of advice would you personally like in your life?

Ultimately, whether be it business, relationships or academic performance, it’s going to be largely defined by 1) The standards you expect of yourself 2) The standards that are expected of you from others.

You can choose to expect less of yourself by lowering your own standards or surrounding yourself with individuals that don’t expect much from you. Or you can surround yourself with people who aren’t here to mess around with the willingness to dish out and accept brutal honesty so that both parties can grow towards each other’s path of self-actualization.

I just don’t see it happening any other way.

Rant on Pick Up Weirdos

A Rant on Pick Up ‘Weirdos’

I have a love hate relationship with the pick up artist community.

On one hand, I don’t really hang out with most of the members in it. I also don’t identify myself as a pick up artist. However, every now and then, there’s a rare one or two guys that catches my eye that I’m willing to hit the clubs and make a long term connection with.

Recently, I started hanging out with this one guy, who takes the classic pick up artist approach towards dating. I admired his work ethic. He’s also a technician when it comes to mastering the social arts. Whilst I’ve moved past my technical days and rely on habits I instilled throughout my earlier twenties, I saw the advantage of being someone around taking a technical approach towards dating.

Since, I’m my worst own enemies these days. I like being around someone who’s pushing themselves, it reminds me to keep myself in check.

Unfortunately, I’m sad to report that I’m mostly unsuccessful in persuading the majority of the members in the PUA community to see my point of view. Hence, there’s always a incompatibility of values when it comes to forming a genuine relationship with these guys. Don’t get me wrong, I am open to new friendships. I’ve traveled half the world by myself, I do enjoy making new connections.

The Un-Informed: Self Esteem Issues  

You get an interesting mix of character around the community. You get the first timers who are interested in the idea of getting their dating lives handled through the notion of ‘game’. You also get the seasoned pick up artist who has gone out on many nights and and his bread and butter involves PUA techniques.

Look, I started off by reading and using pick up theory as well. I understand the ideas of disqualification, negging, qualification and etc. I get it. I’ve been there.

However, at the end of the day, you’re merely putting on another identity. You’re perceiving social interactions as something to be manipulated and something that to be controlled.

These strategies may work in the short run, especially on girls who allow themselves to be manipulated. They often have poor boundaries and self esteem and find themselves chasing after someone who treats them with manipulative behavior. This often ends up in a chaser, chasee relationship, which is filled with drama.

You’re also merely enforcing the ideas that friendship, relationship with girls, sex is something you have to ‘game’ or ‘earn’ yourself into. That you aren’t fundamentally enough as a person to have sex with her or  for her to be with you. Like someone? Disqualify yourself. Someone disagrees with you? Simply punish him or her with negative behaviour.

You’re still putting pussy on a pedestal. The fact that you need to disqualify and neg her merely shows that you’re insecure of your own value as a person. Whilst these might work in the short run, by stirring up insecurities in your relationships, you’re just constantly reminding yourself that: you suck, and you aren’t enough. You’ll also never feel secure, trusted and safe in a relationship.

It’s rare that I find someone who put’s in the hard work and introspection to get his inner emotional realities right.

This means: learn how to express himself honestly, with fucking integrity. Someone who has other facets of his life going for him as well. This includes dressing well, hitting the gym, having passions and hobbies other than worrying about the next ‘neg’ or line.

Safety and Security

I wrote in a recent post that you’re never going to really improve your life circumstances if you don’t have safe relationships in your life you can rely upon.

When you mix a bunch of pick up artists (who suck at relationships) who sees you as an object, a ‘wing’ to go out with and not a real fucking human being, you’re highly likely going to end up in toxic and unsafe friendships.

I can’t count the number of stupid stories I’ve heard from the guys in the community. It can go from idiots running their mouth in group chats to one guy stealing another guy’s girl. Weren’t these people supposed to have an ‘abundant’ mindset?

You’re never going to understand genuine friendship and authentic relationship. Ironically, something that you probably got into the community to seek out in the first place.

The Detox Process

Okay, assuming you’re convinced and want a detox from all that toxic shit the PUA community entails, here are some basic steps you can take to detoxify yourself from all mess from the pick up community.

Hopefully, by now, you’ll get why intentionally pushing, pulling, qualifying and disqualifying as a strategy will leave you feel empty and numbed at the end of the day.

The 3 Mindsets That Should Go Out of the Fucking Window 

Okay, I’m also going to address some specific threads I see popping out ‘on the ground’.

  • ‘I’m Going to Game Her’

Where are you coming from when you want to get good with women? Are you coming from a place of inferiority or a place or security?

The fact that you need to ‘demonstrate higher value’ or ‘neg her’ just means you see your as someone who is inferior to her. Someone with true confidence doesn’t need to go about demonstrating higher value or actively look for derogatory insults to bring her ‘value’ down.

The largest difference I see between my philosophy towards getting good with girls and the majority of the pick up artist community is the position where he coming from. I come from a position of security, and the rest of the guys come from a position of insecurity. Remember, the fact that you need techniques and lines, subtley demonstrates that you’re inferior. The fact that you need to demonstrate yourself as someone superior, subtley demonstrates you’re inferior.

Your actions and intentions will bleed through. Trust me on that.

  • ‘You Need to Isolate Her’

I always hear pick up guys saying: ‘You got to isolate and distract their friends whilst being in the nightclub.’

I don’t agree with this. Firstly, on a technical level, your intentions will bleed through and the girls your approach may get defensive. Secondly, if you’re in Asian culture, she’s going to get worried about her friends (and her friends are going get worried about her) when she gets separated from her.

So both ways, you’re fucked. Stop looking at socializing as something you’re waging war against.

  • ‘You Can’t Go Direct. Direct Game only Works if You’re Tall and Good Looking.’

That’s utter rubbish. You can express yourself honesty and authentically regardless of looks or height. In fact, you might even come off as more polarizing if you’re not exactly that good looking or tall, and you’re willing to be completely authentic and honest with her.

I also get some feedback that I’m considered ‘good looking’, hence it might be my good looks that helps me with my ‘game’.

Just to give you some insight, my first year in ‘game’ was spent dolling myself up with nice looking clothes, hitting the gym, and ‘looking good’. I still didn’t get laid.

In fact, I’d argue that good looks may even work against you. Girls may call you out for being a player and she’s going to project all sort of stereotypes onto you.

  • Not Happy with Someone? ‘Punish’ Him or Her by Withdrawing Attention

If you’re unhappy with someone, you should express yourself and openly confront about it with him or her. You shouldn’t ‘punish’ bad behaviour through passive aggressive means. If you aren’t able to draw clear boundaries in your relationships and you need ‘game’ to get your point across, it’s ultimately needy behavior.

Your’re Digging Your Own Grave

When I’m out, I want to be social, and I want to have fun. I can’t do it when I’m feeling on the edge with you pick up weirdos. I’m also not interested in guessing your intentions, hiding behind smoke and games with you.

Hence, I refuse to hang out with people who are constantly treating social interactions and relationships as a game. I don’t care how good your ‘game’ is. I refuse to be some fucking object that you think you can push or pull about. Firstly, I see through it. Secondly, go use that shit on some random club girl who lacks the self esteem.

Just so you know, I also refuse to serve clients or coaching students who believe in these ideologies.

I can’t stress this enough, but you’re going to end up like the person you hang around with the most. His or her beliefs and worldviews are going to have a huge influence on you. This is heavily researched in psychology as well.

So, do you want to constantly be around some pick up artist fraud who not only sees women as objects, but also sees all of his relationships (including you) as something that can be ‘gamed’? Or do you want to be around with friends who appreciates and respects you as a fucking human being. For all your strengths, flaws and weaknesses.

I know there are idiots who prefer the former, cause deep down, that’s their worldview of relationships. They don’t relationships as something that can be safe and supportive. They see relationships as something to be earned, bargained or traded. They may believe deep down they deserve to be disrespected or unvalued as a person, and only then, they’ll be accepted or loved.

You dig your own grave. Your fucking choice.

How to Improve Your Life? – Take Care of Your Surroundings

How to Improve Your Life? – Take Care of Your Surroundings

Stability has to come before progress. You can’t get progress if you’re constantly arguing in your relationships, feeling not in control of your finances, not budgeting out your expenses, having credit card bill and etc.

The biggest progress I made in my life came from getting the basics handled. I learned this the hard way. When I was having constant arguments with my parents when I was a teenager, my academics suffered. In the business world, I could focus on projects when had no problems with client payments. When a client wouldn’t pay on time, I was frustrated when asking for payment, and that affected my work.

So, if you’re looking to better your relationships with girls, or just about any pursuit in life general, there needs to stability in your immediate surroundings. Safety in relationships and surroundings gives you stability to take risks in other areas of your life. This includes a safe place to stay, financial stability, and financial cushion if you’re planning on leaving your job and being an entrepreneur.

Your Surroundings 

Firstly, do you have a safe place to sleep at night? You can’t be homeless and attempting to hit the clubs trying to pick up girls. It just doesn’t work that way, at least for the majority of us.

When I was in New York, I rented out a shit-y Airbnb apartment. Even that, I wasn’t half as motivated to go out to meet girls. I knew I needed to get my finances right before I could enjoy my travels.

I know some guys getting into this have toxic family relationships. I know I have. I used to fight with my parents all the time. They would subtle threatened to kick me out of the house, stating that after all, it was their house. It wasn’t a safe environment for me the better myself.

If you’re in a un-safe place, then move out. It’ll do you wonders.

Safety in Your Relationships

There’s a study done by Harvard that says that relationships contribute the biggest part of happiness to our lives.

You can’t have progress without stability in the relationships around you. This means: friends that show up for social events that you had planned, no drama queens or kings in your romantic and personal relationships, friends that don’t shit on you for your endeavours… you get my point.

I’m highly careful of the people I let into my day to day life.

One of the litmus tests I use is to observe their reactions when I talk about ambition and growth. How does the person sitting in front of me react to it? Will they feel threatened? Do they subtlety roll their eyes or do they want to know more about why or how you had those ambitions?

I couldn’t find stability in my relationships at one point in my life. Over the last year, I was feeling constantly stressed out. I had subconsciously allowed crappy relationships and people into my life. The people around me had poor relationship patterns. You know, those that show up when they got nothing going on in their lives, and disappear when they’ve got a partner. It made me feel, undervalued. Not surprisingly, they also became my biggest critics.

“Look at Marcus, he’s being all superficial again, going out to clubs.”

Sure buddy.

The old cliché of the closest people being you your biggest critics when you do something different stands true.

I’m not going to bore you with the age old advice of you being who you surround yourself with, however, I am going show you the scientific research behind the peer group effect.

You become who you surround yourself with.

The Tripod of Stability

I came across a concept introduced by Ramit Sethi, one of the best personal finance and behavioural change writers on the internet. He introduced the idea: the tripod of stability, which I felt made a lot of sense.

How to Improve Your Life?

The fundamentals are a safe place to sleep and basic nutrition. Like I’ve mentioned, you can’t be attempting to get good at your relationships, run a business if you’re eating poorly, having arguments with family and friends, having migraines or you don’t have a bed to sleep.

Secondly, you’ll need to straighten out your own psychology. This means setting boundaries, ironing out your values. This will generate genuine self esteem amongst your relationships. You can’t let guilt or shame run your life.

Thirdly, you’ll need to generate true self esteem. Self esteem isn’t about getting the swankiest job or getting straight A for your degree. True self esteem is the ability to make judgment and adjust accordingly regardless the circumstances in your life.

  • When was the last time you said no a friend asked you out to an event you didn’t want to go?
  • When was the last time you re-arranged your schedule just to go out with a girl?
  • When was the last time you turned down a money making opportunity because it didn’t fit in your larger goals?

Once you got your psychology straightened out. Now, you’re ready to tackle the finer details of starting a conversation with a stranger, approaching girls, starting a business and etc.

Getting Mentors

If you want to get somewhere, you’ll need mentors in your life. Getting mentors was an idea I rejected for years and years. I’m a little rebellious and have a poor track record with dealing with authority. I preferred doing and learning everything myself. I was also the annoying student that always wants to outdo my mentor, instead of actually listening to him.

I always preferred creating my own learning and training philosophies, instead of sticking to the routine. It worked out for me some times, and some times it didn’t.

However, there’s a reason why education systems and Universities exist, you’ll need to learn from someone else. Whether be it in person, online or books. You can’t do or learn everything by yourself. Billionaires Charlie Munger and Warren Buffet are voracious readers in their day to day life, they are constantly learning, despite being extremely successful individuals in their own rights.

It’s also crucial to pick the right mentors.

One of the best mentors I had in my life was Mark Manson. His ideas and philosophies towards dating and relationships have paid off dividends in my life. The worst mentors, on the other hand, led me to approach digital marketing in an unethical and sale-sly way. That alone cost me over thousands of hours and dollars.

There are going to be good mentors and wrong mentors. Your values are going to be largely determined by the person you learn from, as with the people you spend time around, and the environment you create for yourself and put yourself into.

Handling Critics

Change is hard. When I first introduced the book: Models to a good friend 6 years a go. He scoffed at the idea of attracting girls through honesty. Needless to say, we’re no longer speaking friends today. This was a friend I grew up with and visit his family for weekly dinner. It was painful to lose a friend like that. It hurts. But that’s life.

You’re going to face criticism when you change something about yourself. You’re going to face resistance from people around you. 

Over the years, one thing I figured is that you’re going to have people criticize you no matter what you do in your life. If you cured cancer, some asshole is going to say: why didn’t you cure aids instead? If you started a business helping others in their relationships, someone else is going to say: you should be spending more time on charity.

I’ve heard people called me insensitive, selfish, immature, misogynistic and many uglier things.

I used to (and still) get a little depressed when others called me these things. Hence, I had to learn how to handle criticism. I ask myself: Is there any evidence or validity in their criticisms? Can they present those arguments to me in a non judgmental or aggressive manner?

You know what’s the funny thing? Some of the critics who called me ugly things on Facebook weren’t even regular people in my life. How can someone pass judgment on my character, when he or she has not seen me in person for years? Furthermore, most of the time, there’s no validity nor evidence to their criticism.

Well, people are assholes on the internet. Like the old cliché goes: haters are going to hate.

Creating the Environment Required for Your Success

When I studied in the States, I had my own place, I ate consistently at the school canteen and I didn’t have annoying parents intruding into my personal space.

I also had the freedom to choose the identity I wanted to portray. I wasn’t the academic failure anymore. I was free to be smart once again. I wasn’t the boy who pissed off his parents and caused trouble for his teachers. I was free to be a student again. I was also studying in the top public University in the States. There were no rebellious students, no one to party with on the weekends. No one to fool around with. Just me, the library, and my school notes. I was also shit scared of wasting a thousand dollars invested in the summer program.

Needless to say, I did well.

When I came to Singapore, everything quickly fell back to zero. I started underperforming, I couldn’t wake up on time, my bad dietary habits came back, I started feeling restless and moody. I couldn’t focus on work and read a book seemed difficult all over again.

I was curious. I needed to know the Science behind it. How does our external environment play a role in determining one’s success?

Well, it turns out that my gut feeling was right. Our environment does play a huge role in determining our habits, hence, determining our success. Humans are more reliant on our environmental cues than you think.

If you aren’t in safe place, have a couple of handy relationships and consuming food that doesn’t kill you, you’re probably not in the right environment for growth.

Finally, you’ll need to create your own environment for success. This can come in the form of investing in a coach to keep you accountable. This can be passing your friend $100 before the start of the night and telling him that he gets to keep it if you don’t approach 10 girls when you’re at the club. This can be investing up to 10s of thousands of dollars into your own entrepreneurial education, so much so that failure is NOT an option.

The biggest growth periods in my life were because I was shit scared of failing. I had no way out but to succeed.

Bibliography

Sethi, R. (n.d.). Tripod of Stability. Retrieved from I Will Teach You to be Rich: https://www.iwillteachyoutoberich.com/blog/the-tripod-of-stability/

Wikipedia. (n.d.). Peer Group. Retrieved from Wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peer_group

Ciotti, G. (n.d.). Want to Change Your Habits? Change Your Environment. Retrieved from Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/habits-not-hacks/201408/want-change-your-habits-change-your-environment

 

 

 

How to Stop Feeling Miserable

How to Stop Feeling Miserable – 5 Steps That Actually Work

Who was I without the hustle? Who was I without the aspirations, the dreams, the ambitions? I had just come back from a Summer exchange program in the United States. I was also feeling pretty crappy about myself, despite doing well in my modules in the States. I had just finished a pretty tough year in University and I wasn’t exactly doing well in University back home.

I landed in Changi airport, Singapore’s international airport, once again. The infrastructure, the cleanliness of it all, hits me immediately. Often not appreciate much by Singaporeans. For some reason, it didn’t feel like home. It’s a much more common sight for me these days, looking back at how much I travelled through out the years.

Everything about life in Singapore felt like it’s changed, yet it’s the same. Singapore reminded me of all my failures, or the so called failures. The lost friendships, the academia that bored me to tears, the failed business partnerships. The trips to other cultures. Was all of that passion or was it a form of escapism? Travel has helped me a lot. Pushing my boundaries in country after country, year after year, has helped me. However, perhaps it was a means of avoiding certain beliefs about myself.

They say where you go, there you are.

Why was I feeling miserable about myself? I needed to take a step back to evaluate how I was pursuing happiness in my life. These strategies took a while to implement while I was back in home, along with a cigarette relapse and a little bit of alcohol, but I’m making some progress.

1) You’re Not a Victim

I wasn’t exactly doing well in University back home. I was disinterested in my subjects. I had to drag myself to classes. I wanted to study psychology, run businesses, write a blog, travel more. There was a huge mismatch in my life.

I wasn’t writing the way I wanted to write. I wasn’t exactly happy with my social life. I wasn’t sure of doing what I wanted to do. School bored the hell out of me. I wasn’t exactly happy with the girls I was dating either. I was also relying on questionable strategies to market my entrepreneurial projects.

Did I choose all of this myself? The victimized student, the victimized lover, the victimized entrepreneur. The victim student who had to do, what he didn’t like to do, because of certain circumstances. Was I victim of society’s standards? Was I victim of my parent’s expectations? Was I a victim of my own expectations to fit in, and be just like everybody else?

For what sake? The chance to feel normal? The chance to ‘belong’?

How many of us in our lives choose the lives our parents or society expects us to take? Was it a product of circumstance? Or was it unknowingly our choice as well?

Fuck cute cat photos. This is the real life.

How many of us choose to stay the way we are amongst our friends? How many of us choose the same relationships or go out with the same shit-y romantic partners, just for some bragging rights amongst our friends, the same beliefs that we hold dear to ourselves year after year: that I don’t deserve it?

It’s easy to think that we’re a victim of life’s circumstances, of our own deeply held beliefs about our identity and our life. Perhaps there’s an anger underneath all of that, an un confronted anger. There was a need for change. There was a need for responsibility.

I asked myself: how can I take responsibility for this tough spot I find myself in my life? How can I not paint myself as a victim?

I took action, I filtered out my posts. I reached out to other sites, requesting for to guest blog for them. I got featured on the ‘Thought Catalog of Asia’. I sent multiple emails, built new business relationships, and stopped relying on questionable marketing strategies. I started reading up on proper marketing strategies. It isn’t about just search engine rankings anymore. I had to understand branding, marketing position, client needs, persuasion and many other entrepreneurial facets. I stopped going out on dates that I wasn’t fulfilling to me. She has to be amazing. That’s my metric.

Life got much better.

2) Stop Trying to Prove Yourself

I read somewhere that the root of all misery is trying to prove yourself.

I questioned my life’s approach towards academics. Was I enjoying what I was studying in University, or was I trying to prove something? I was doing accounting. However, I fucking hated it. I hated putting the right numbers in the right place. It just wasn’t my jam. I wasn’t enjoying the process. I was forcing it. I wanted to prove that I was smart. I wanted to prove that just like everyone else, I could do it. All of this at the expense of my own emotional health.

How to Stop Feeling Miserable – 5 Steps That Actually Work 2

In the real life when you fall. Nobody picks you up. You pick yourself up… or you get shovelled away.

Just like a bitter smack of my face, I was forced to give up the notion that I could do anything I put myself into. Here’s the thing about skillsets in life: You’re going to end up being good at something that you enjoy doing. It’s as simple as that. You can’t be good at everything. Well, unless you’re Elon Musk.

I questioned my approach towards my dating and social life. I was facing a high quality problem. I was going out with girls that I didn’t really enjoy being around with. I guess invest years into getting good at this, you get arrogant in a certain sense. I was still doing it prove something to myself, and prove something to everyone: I was good with girls.

Something that I tried to prove over years and years, whilst sacrificing true emotional fulfillment.

It was until I realized that, that I alleviated some pressure off myself. I cut my dates short, if she didn’t fit my values, then screw it, I’m leaving. If I wasn’t genuinely interested in dating her, then I’m not going to ask her out. It wasn’t about them anymore, it’s about compatibility. It was about how I feel about her.

3) What if You are Wrong about Everything?  

Feeling miserable has something to do about feeling certain about something in life. You’re miserable because you’re certain that, that problem cannot be solved, no matter what. This can be in academics, career, friendships, romantic relationships and etc. It’s one to belief all of those stories, and another to take a step back at question those beliefs.

What if I was wrong about everything? What if I was already smart, and I just didn’t credit myself with it throughout the years. What if I was already good enough for all the girls and I self sabotage and got shit faced when I stood in front of them? What if I spent time and effort writing, promoting this blog the right way, I need not rely on questionable SEO techniques to compete in this niche?

What if I was wrong about my past successes?

Happiness is said to come from struggle. There’s no real happiness without rejection and failure. This is why going out, getting rejected the whole night while approaching girls you genuinely into, will feel much better than spending 5 hours on a date with a girl you’re feeling so-so about. How long are you going to avoid those feelings of inevitable rejection?

When I was in the US, studying psychology, I was freaking out. I was studying at a top University in the States, and hell, I wasn’t prepared for it. However, I will powered my way through. I woke up early every morning, spent the entire 6 weeks in San Francisco, mostly in lecture rooms and libraries. Was it tough? You bet. However, today, I am proud of the fact that I pushed through that.

4) Step Back and Examine Your Beliefs about Yourself 

In social psychology, there’s the self verification theory. It asserts people want to be known and understood by others according to their firmly held beliefs and feelings about themselves.

I took a step back from my beliefs. Perhaps I believed that I needed a degree to prove that I was smart or capable. So what if I had not done well in academics during my Junior college years? Did any of that mean that I wasn’t smart, and does a degree define my capabilities or cognitive abilities? Having a degree or not doesn’t determine if I was smart or not. I pushed further. Being smart shouldn’t be an indicator of how you feel about yourself either.

I wasn’t writing high quality material for the blog. I wasn’t writing the way I wanted to write. I believed that no one wanted to read my writing. I asked myself: did you really have to use short term strategies to better your business? Why are you writing content that you aren’t proud of in both this blog, and your other blog. Cause you secretly believe that your writing isn’t good enough.

I also believed that I couldn’t make new connections, after my old relationships blew up in my face. Why can’t I start start a mastermind of my own. I know people in my circles who are entrepreneurially driven, why wasn’t I not picking their brains? Why can’t I make new friends, go out and network? For all the stuff I wrote about soft skills, why wasn’t I taking my own advice? So, I signed up for a couple of entrepreneurial events.

Career wise, I believed that the only way to get a good job in Singapore is through a formal education, a degree. I discounted the fact that I had had digital marketing skillsets and certification built up over the last two years. Was I going to force myself with accounting for the next couple of years, or was I going to do something that’s probably more compatible for me.

I questioned my perspective on self worth. Why did I always feel like I was under valued or I undercharged during my freelance days. Did I market myself correctly? Did I really understand market positioning, differentiation, was I really a good entrepreneur? Did I reach out to other sites for media coverage, guest blogging and etc?

It was only when I took a step back, and re-examined these beliefs and strategies, that I could take practical steps to solve these problems.

5) Ask Yourself, How Do You Want to Change the World?

Lastly, I was also miserable partly because I felt was solving things I felt that would not contribute to society. It might be a millennial problem, say whatever you want, but tons of research show that how we derive meaning is different from the one your father or grandfather had.

Happiness requires contribution in some sort or form. You got to pick a problem you want to solve, that gives you a sense of meaning in your life. It’s picking how you want to change the world. This can come in the form of volunteering, putting your whole life into raising a healthy child, curing cancer, or going to the moon.

It’s how you want to be remembered, and what your legacy looks like. It’s how you want to be remembered.

In modern capitalistic society, it’s easy to get dragged back into the money chase. The bigger condo and the flashier car. Yes, all of that is all good. I am about profit, I wouldn’t be building this blog if not for the potential of profit. However, all of that accumulation of wealth and status can be a natural side effect if you find meaning in your work. The solution is to start digging, start testing and failing, and find what drives meaning in to your life.

That’s the hard part. Then again, I did mention happiness requires struggle right?

How to Get a Girl Home

How to Take a Girl Home with Her Being Comfortable with It

The prior step to hooking up is to get a girl home. In pick up artist terminology, it’s commonly known as the pull. So, how do you actually get a girl back to your place? Is there a step by step route map?

How to Take a Girl Home? – The Guide

This guide is to be used in conjunction with the first date guide, and how to hook up in Singapore guide. The first date guide helps you plan the outline of the date, how to move her closer to your place, the second guide emphasises on cultural nuances in Asia.

Decide, Commit and Lead

One of the most important aspects of how to get a girl home is A DECISION. It comes from the underlying social dynamic: if you don’t decide, commit and lead, she’ll end up looking being the one that has to lead, and she’s a slut for doing so.

You got to lead, lead and lead.

You got to decide that you want to get her to your place. Then commit to the following actions, and just execute on them.

Baby Step It 

I remembered once it took me around 12 tries to get a girl up to my house, and into my room. I was starting out as a young Singapore pick up artist. I didn’t know better.

If you just met a girl, she’s going to resist your advances. You have to baby step it. This might be baby stepping it from the club to the taxi stand. This might be baby stepping her the move from the bar, to get her bag, and then follow you to the taxi stand, into the cab, chilling by the side at your swimming pool and up to your house.

Not making Her Feel like a Slut

Good game ALWAYS is about not making her feel like a slut for wanting to sleep with you.

This is especially so in Singapore, where it’s still a highly traditionalized society. If you want to increase your dating results, date multiple girls, you got to really fly under the radar, and make her feel really comfortable for sleeping with you before a committed relationship.

These assumptions should be adopted as genuine mind sets in your own life. For fucks sake, if all you really want to do is get into her pants, then don’t get into a relationship just for that.

  • You do not exactly want a girlfriend and will not want one only if she’s the right girl
  • She is amazing
  • You are really attracted to her
  • You do not like one night stands and do not like to sleep around, but you like spending time with her

Yes, I know a bunch of guys would get into a relationship, fuck her, and then leave. It’s up to your own values at this point of time. That’s against my values. I’d rather lose a girl, then to lie to myself (and her) just to get into her pants.

Some helpful mindsets you can adopt to not make her feel like a slut and relieve her of the pressure is:

  • That she is the sexual aggressor/sexual predator, and she’s hitting on you
  • That she is trying to get you to like her or trying to win you over (whether it be in the sense of attraction, acceptance, or validation).
  • That both of you are going to sleep together, but only if she lives up to your standards and expectations.

Find an Excuse

I remembered once, I took honesty to a new level. I told some Malaysian girl I was dating: I think you’re hot, I want to have sex with you. I was trying out a radical honest approach back then. Despite saying it with the best of intentions, she took a cab back home almost immediately.

Good story though.

The key to getting her back to your place is to find a mere excuse to hang out with her at yours. I told the girl I dated in Japan: let’s grab a beer, I want to get a can, we can drink at mine. She agreed, and she didn’t even touch the beer. I actually thought she was AT least going to have a one can. Calories I guess.

Make Your Room Fun

In Singapore, I got my guitar and my boxing gloves. I used to playfully box girls to show that I’m cool with them in my room. I also purposely do it so that they’ll feel comfortable that I’m not inviting them to my room just to hook up or to have sex.

When I’m travelling, music helps a lot. Just simply take out your phone or your computer, and start playing some tunes.

Keep It Lighthearted and Fun

Keeping it lighted and fun is probably the most important aspect of how to get a girl home. Unless you’re already groping each other and she can’t wait to get into YOUR pants, she’s probably going to feel a little shy and nervous when she’s at your place.

For the Singaporean guys (99% of them who live with their parents) there’s the issue of your parents, your cat, your dog, your grand mother. I know, I’ve been there. She’s going to be put under the spotlight.

I always try to make sure that my parents are asleep before I get back to mine. Remember, the key is to always think of how to NOT let her feel like a ‘slut’.

Dealing with “Last Minute Resistance”

Some times, you get the oddball who is willing to go to yours but isn’t willing to sleep with you. I’ve had that happen to me 3-4 times. Some times, I get bugged out (I mean, why the fuck right?) some times, I just surrender to the fact that this Universe is weird.

The first step is to ALWAYS empathize with her. This means asking her if she’s comfortable with this. If she isn’t, ask her why? If it’s the boyfriend issue, then say: I’m not looking for a long term commitment now. I rather date you openly, than to lie to you that I want a relationship just to get into your pants.

Do it genuinely.

Either that, just chill back, and accept the fact that you aren’t going to get laid tonight. These days, if. the girl isn’t into me, I actually do get turned off. I just chill back, use my computer, do some work, write another article, or play my guitar.

Usually, you’ll have her over at 2-3am in the night. There won’t be any public transport home. I used to let girls stay over. However, these days, I value my sleep and rest time, and I’ll politely ask them to leave. It’s also a personal boundary of mine: if you aren’t interested, you should leave.

The “It Just Happened” Excuse

If you sleep with a girl, you get the Hi-5 from ‘society’ and your friends. If a girl sleeps with you, she gets slammed on and slut shamed by society and possibly her friends.

For it to happen, you got to understand this social nuance. It’s really important for it to make it seem that it ‘just happened’ between you and the girl. There was a period of time I was quite bummed out by the idea of this. It means that she doesn’t have to ‘responsible’ for her actions.

Closing Thoughts

There’s no one logical route to making all of these happen. Some times there’s a lot of resistance, some times, there’s not a lot of resistance. The more liberal minded girls are able to make their own decisions in spite of society and their friend’s opinions. Those are the girl that I get along well with, and end up being with at the end of the day.

However, there’s a huge demographic of girls (especially traditional Singaporean girls) who are brought up in a traditional setting. They also have traditional beliefs about love and sex. You can’t change their

You can’t change someone’s values overnight. You might be able to influence them, but you definitely can’t change them. If you can’t her get home, it’s not that you suck, it’s just matter of incompatibility.

The only way to deal with it is through empathy, and a willingness to walk away.

Which is what a confident individual would do anyway.

Singapore Online Dating

How to Create a Tinder Profile That’ll Get You Dates

 

I’ve never really paid much attention to online dating as I don’t really have the patience to craft out witty texts to a girl’s attention.

I have a theory. The hot girls already have all the attention in their day to day social lives and what makes you think you can stand out through a profile photo?

Furthermore, why would they bother with some stranger on Tinder when they’ve already got all the validation/ attention and potential partners in real life? This is especially so if you’re younger and your target demographic of girls is younger.

If you don’t believe me, take a look at the ‘influencers’ Instagram profiles. You just got to flaunt some ass and legs, take some nice photos and it’s enough to build surmountable following on social media

Nonetheless, I decided to test out some concepts to maximize my results in online dating. I’m not positive though. I’m currently targeting the demographic of girls from 18-25. They either are in University or have just entered the workforce. It’s worth a try, and I decided to do some research on this subject.

Note, I’m writing this to target physically attractive girls. Some of them might be quite provocative, but that’s the point. It’s done to separate you from the thousands of guys that swipe right on her profile.

The Photos

Tinder allows you 6 photos. It’s recommended to maximize all of them.

The key to photos to get someone else to take them for you. Forget selfies. That’s because it demonstrates that you have friends and other people around you. One good camera angle is the snapshot effect. These are photos taken ‘in the moment’ as if you’re not even planning to take that shot. The snapshot effect sets you apart from all the other guys.

Online Dating Singapore

One good example of Asian guys is the snapshot in the middle.

It’s recommended that you include group photos, your lifestyle and hobbies in your other photos.

Note, this profile should be congruent to your lifestyle and hobbies and shouldn’t be used just to maximize results on Tinder.

The Profile

I used to think that you got to write an essay for your Tinder/Online dating profile. The truth is that the more you write, the more try hard it looks like. Go with something simple, in short sentences that describe your passions, lifestyle and hobbies.

My current profile looks like this:

Singaporean, fought in a ring once. Entrepreneurship, travel, fitness. Pancakes.

It’s short, simple and sweet. The profile displays one interesting fact about myself, alongside with my hobbies and my interests. The word ‘pancakes’, is something fun and interesting to take off all the pressure from all the ‘serious talk’. You can replace word this with something funny on your own, like sushi or something.

The Provocation Line

You should also add in one provocation line:

  • Please don’t be fat in real life 😀
  • Sometimes, I super like all the ugly girls 😀
  • Natural born asshole 😀

The key here is to set apart from all the nice guys (which is 95% of the men) profile. It’s also used to provoke a reaction from a girl into swiping you and being interested in you. I added in my own smiley face to tone the ‘assholeness’ down because I’m writing this guide for the Singaporean audience, and as much as you want to come across as the asshole rock star that gets all the girls, in Singapore culture, it’s not going to work.

It’s better to be the goof-ish, childish, slightly retarded and tone it back a little.

ClickBait to Social Media

Online Dating Singapore

Not the right kind of click bait, apparently.

Tinder allows you to merge your Instagram profile on your Tinder profile, however, how many girls actually do click on your Instagram profile? Not a lot. The click bait to social media gets get clicking on your Instagram profile and instantly, you got a huge load of social proof or ‘display of value’.

I added this one line to my Tinder profile:

Stalk me on Instagram (@TheMarcusNeo) but don’t freak out when you see it.

There’s nothing actually freakish about my Instagram profile. However, it’s just to get her clicking to your profile. Note that this only works IF you take the time and effort into curating a lifestyle and an interesting Instagram profile.

Being Selective 

It’s said that the Tinder algorithm is sensitive to your selectivity of swiping. Your profile is going to show up more often to hotter girls (who are extremely selective) if you’re selective as well.

So, don’t just spam the swipes. Just like in real life, it’s best to focus on quality, rather than quantity. Furthermore, it’s quite demoralizing to only get matches from girls you aren’t really interested in.

The Reality of Hot/Pretty/In Demand Girls

You might think that these techniques to online dating is the next cure for cancer. However, you’re going to be sorely disappointed if you’re aiming for the top 20% of girls in terms of aesthetics wise. You’re not going to get much results.

Unless you’re a model, with 6 pacs or a really overall nice physique, the majority of the guys I observed using online dating as an avenue get results only with physically mediocre girls.

This isn’t surprising either. The young, attractive 18-29-year-old lady is going to get overflowing attention from her social media, her Instagram, from her social circle, from her colleagues and etc just because of one fucking reason: her looks. She’s not going to pay much attention from some random dude sending her messages from her Tinder profile.

Personal Experience

I’ve gone out a couple of times with girls from Tinder in Singapore. The results are mostly mediocre. I often get more matches abroad in foreign countries as compared to Singapore. However, I’m also aware that I’m quite selective of swiping the girls on Tinder.

There was once I met a girl who was much more plump in real life than in her photos. In her photos, she looks really slim. She told me she was an ex-air stewardess and she put on weight recently. How convenient was it for her to use her slim photos!

The only girl I hooked up with ever on Tinder was a law student. She was Indian. She wasn’t exactly the hottest girl around. I didn’t really go for her because of her looks, I went for her because she was able to intellectually connect and converse with me.

Closing Thoughts

When I started off as a pick up artist, I focused on meeting women through social circles and approaching them in clubs. I much preferred this approach because I was just too lazy to be texting and swiping all day.

Tinder or other online dating apps should not be a replacement for meeting women by improving your social skills to connect better with others. Furthermore, why should you waste time effort and money going out with girls that you’re not that into?

There’s a limitation to words and a 3 sentenced Tinder profile. You can’t see, touch or feel emotions when you’re staring into a 4 by 10 centimetres screen.